welcome to my site.

i am no one but myself.

december 2019-march 2020 (my first "era")

i first started purging when i was 13. december 2019 was a time of relapse and drama. i also started self harming with kitchen knives, and tried to vent in physical diaries. when i purged at the time, i'd purge dinner or snacks 10 minutes after eating them. it went fine until my mom heard me gag very loudly and had an argument with me. other thing not related to eds happened but i'll discuss them on my diary instead of here.

april-july 2020 (the influential era)

sometime in april my best friend (at the time) alex started being more open to me about self harming and eating disorders, and i helped me a lot. he introduced me to #edtwt (eating disorder twitter) and #shtwt (self harm twitter). these new parts of twitter helped me a lot to not do the mistakes that let to the discovery of my ed. it also showed some really cool diet plans that i'm planning to do once i move out. (example)

extreme low calorie diet

august-september 2020 (the "at least i tried" era)

i tried purging and losing weight with the new tips i had learned. i initially did very well. i was 170 pounds at the height of the summmer and i was 150 pounds a few weeks later. it all went crashing down when my need to purge became a little bit too big. one time i ate a piece of cake (while my dad was showering and that mf takes ages) and i desperately needed to purge it so i grabbed a grocery bag and trie vomiting it. considering my house is small as fuck, my mom heard it and i got in trouble again. not being able to purge is awful. i gained 6 more pounds as a result :( . i'm currently trying not to purge but i'm definitely doing it again by mid-november, as my goal is to be 110 pounds asap

october 2020 - december 2020 (caught again)

long story short i began purging again and my mom heard me. ill start again in january or march

march 2021 - may 2021 (new begginings)

when school began, i used it as a chance to be able to purge more easily. whenever i get home, my mom leaves food on the table while she goes to pick up my sister from her school, which gives me enough time to purge everything out without repercussions. another good thing school has given me is the fact that i get to eat nothing for 8 hours straight. i also built up enough courage to make a twitter account just to like/interact with edtwt tags and shtwt tags. i'd been lurking those hashtags (and a few more) ever since a friend introduced me to them back in summer 2019

i also need to control myself more when i'm home. i usually get hungry and eat a lot (in my opinion) of junk food. by a lot, i mean a few cookies and a chocolate bar, which is a whooping 500 calories (more than what i eat in my lowest calorie days). crackers have been a good way to help me stop eating all that shit. one cracker is 12 calories, which is beyond perfect for me.

i almost broke my lowest calorie record yesterday (i ate 440 calories), but my mom made me eat some yogurt, which fucked it up lmfao. i was also tempted to eat an icecream cone, but i kinda broke down when i realized that it'd be over 300 calories and just dropped it

i also ate breakfast for the first time in weeks (today is 5/5/21) and i feel like shit about it. i've only been up for a few hours and i already have 300 calories down my stomach. embarrassing. hopefully i can control my urges when i get home and eat nothing but water and crackers as a punishment.

may 2021 - october 2021 (limbo)

i couldn't purge anymore because of my school's schedule changed, and summer made it nearly impossible to do anything w/o getting caught.

october 2021 - present (new methods)

i started using lifesum to track down my calories, and so far it's been good. the only issues i have with it is that it has a goal limit, so i had to go for 129 lbs.