i'm no one but myself.

4/22/24

8:34 a.m.

tried hanging myself when my family went shopping yesterday bc i was too much of a pussy to order a carbon monoxide tank just to end up breaking the rope ☠️. im starving even harder after this and i'm gonna try again in 2029. i feel so dissapointed in myself. i've planning this since i was 14 and i fucked it up just because i can't put a fucking fork down. i'll try to be really orthodox about calorie counting, weigh myself daily (sister got herself a digital scale, won't have to try and pinpoint my weight on my old ass "meter " scale anymore), and spend my lunch period at school walking as much as possible to cancel put any gorms pf breakfast i eat to make my mom not argue with me like she did during my peak ed. wish me the best of luck (i do to y'all too). bye for today, might come back if i feel like shit enough tho ❤️

1/22/24

8:34 p.m.

the year has finally arrived. and i feel like i'm genuinely losing my mind now. i don't even know how to describe how i'm feeling. i was already aware of me being socially (and maybe developmentally) behind from others, but i never realized it was this bad. at least 3/4 of my grade seems to have either a job, car, and some form of "guidance" from workforce professionals, or maybe all of those together. wanna know the worst part? the guy that has all of those is my former (one of my first) "favorite person" (i've had fps since that time to today, i'll put a list after this paragraph) from fucking fifth grade. we were both typical greasy, concerningly overweight kids who bonded over nothing other than infodumping each other about videogames, and somehow he ended up decently. i know that my situation has nothing to do with him, but it's lowkey interesting how two people who were close to each other can drastically change so much. i really want to feel good(?) for him, but i do feel like shit about how whenever he does walk by me (usually with his gf), gets noticeably more quiet than when he was away from me, and somestimes seems to speedwalk and drag his gf away with him.

2015-16: fat cunt from 5th grade, 2017-2018: my ex best friend from 6th grade (also the last irl fp i'll have until 2022), 2018-2020: alex, 2020-2022: "jess", 2022-now: druggie who hmu on instagram after getting expelled from my school; all of these but jess and my current fp ended up horribly (and going non-contact since their "terms" ended).

just to clear shit up and not sound like an incel, i unironically have nothing against people who date. i don't think i've ever actively wanted relationships, if i don't count a few delusions (i never acted upon) i had about a few fps. i know it's different for everyone, but in my case, i've just never seen the appeal in them. it all seems so emotionally laborious, and i couldn't imagine letting someone have such a large long-term influence on characteristics such as ways of talking, views on life, and having to share shit with. i know (and i'm glad) it's more acceptable to think that in internet spaces, but if i magically don't kill myself anytime soon, figures such as my parents, broader family, and even a few classmates (and possibly future coworkers) would start nagging me about it.

and if not wanting romantic partnership wasn't already taboo enough offline, imagine how awful not wanting (irl) friendships at all is. i really enjoy being alone and having full control over myself, and even online i have 2-3 friends (2 being increasingly estranged) max. i passionately hate doing things like being dragged along to random places to hang out. it feels like having to give in to a child's tantrum and pretend you enjoy it. if i make it to college, i'll force myself to do this though. it took me too long to figure it out, but i can literally just pretend i like my hypothetical future friends and get away with it, but i'm just doing it out of survival. i'll most likely go to Houston for college, and i better prepare myself to emotionally suck people off (esp roomates, since i won't be living on campus) to make shit like paying rent and having a social network (hopefully nepotism) more easy for me. however, i wish i had enough money to go live in a studio apartment in a big city (i'd pick Madrid if i could) and just NEET off of it for the rest of my life. i love being alone, and i don't think that will ever change. lastly, like i've mentioned before, this is just my experience and keep in mind i'm not saying it's right or wrong, but i need to survive.

4/20/23

10:47 p.m.

happy 4/20!

these past days have been intense mindfuckery to me. i have a research essay to do, and i just found out none of my sources are no longer available online. worst of all, my teacher isn't allowing sources to be changed anymore (turned in an annotated bibliography two weeks ago) and it's genuinely freaking me out. i'll try to talk things out with her after class tomorrow and hope she lets me change them. i just feel like such a waste. this is a very important group project (will fail the class if i don't pass) and i don't want to dissapoint whoever was unlucky enough to get paired up with me.

now to better things, i got a new pair of converse yesterday ❤. wearing brand new converse feels weird, but at least they're not oversized anymore (my old ones are size 11 and this current pair is size 8) and no longer feel like clown shoes. i'll definitely cherish and keep around my old pair though. i didn't make the best memories with them but they still were around for a pretty big part of my life, especially since i've had them since before i even started high school.

i also realized i'm less than a year away from 2024 now. it sucks that i'll probably be stuck here by then, but i just hope nothing feels too painful

i truly feel like time is running out. my mental issues (not illnesses, since they at least have a chance of getting treated, what i have is a lifelong condition; sorry if that was rude) have been inhibiting my daily life more and more, and my parents will have to accept that i'm not just "a bit shy" like my elementary teachers told them i was. i'm sorry for them, but not being able to socialize places a massive strain on my life. i tried all sorts of things when i thought it was just social anxiety (ex. talking to a shit ton of random people) and nothing ever changed how scared and overwhelmed i felt whenever i spend 8 hours a day surrounded by hundreds of strangers. i don't even think being like this at my age is acceptable anymore. i've never felt like it truly was, but at least i had a larger sense of sympathy coming from adults whenever i hadn't hit puberty. i understand them a bit though. i can definitely see why a socially stunted little boy would receive more patience but i really miss it even though i'm not cute anymore. i just don't see what the fuck i'm gonna do if i finish high school. college doesn't seem like it'll be any better other than reduced school hours, and even then, the chances of me moving away from this town for college are below abysmal. i genuinely don't know or understand why none of my previous teachers (especially the ones i had in 3rd-5th grade) recommended my parents to get me screened for anything. the help i would've received wouldn't have been much since i live in one of the poorer cities in my state, but at least receiving a small amount of support would've been better than receiving none. sorry for the long sad rant, but i just needed to air out all this shit to not feel like i'm bottling everything up inside me.

4/17/23

2:57 p.m.

there was an internet outage over the weekend because of a thunderstorm but everything's back to normal now. i didn't go to school due to some intestinal issues, so i'm just relaxing until i go back tomorrow. something i did for a long time these months was contemplating and reviewing my previous life experiences and saw that i unknowingly got taken advantage of a LOT of times due to my mental issues, and it just dissapointed me to say the least. the most memorable one was when my "best friend" from 4th to 5th grade pretended to be interested in the same shit as me just to end up "borrowing" my wii remotes right before moving away and never coming back. but anyways, at least it taught me to not be too naive or anything like it

i can't believe it's been four whole years since the sol situation. it's disheartening how misconceptions about her situation are just rampant. i hope she's not suffering anymore.

4/14/23

7:55 p.m.

i'm back now :) . remember when i said i was finally starting to feel better? well yeah my grandpa fucking croaked later that same day and i just went off the rails. i missed school for the rest of the week and just stopped talking to anyone online and offline for about a month or so. his death wasn't too unexpected but i just can't believe he's just gone forever now. losing one of the few people i genuinely had a connection with really fucked me up as i realized i'll just continue losing more and more close people until i'm just fully by myself. and being the dumbass i am, i went back to A sometime in late february, but surprisingly he didn't hesitate to talk to me again after being so blunt. i wasn't fully sure at the time but unsurprisingly enough not that many people actually like being around his loud ass and that truly got confirmed when someone pretended to be him and threatened to shoot up his old school this wednesday. i obviously still went bc the school didn't even shut down for the day and i couldnt afford any more absences. i actually liked how empty it was that day. it felt so nice to not be suffocated in the hallways and to not worry about seeing certain people again. additionally. i didn't do any work for any class since my largest class that day only ~5 people out of the 20 that usually attend. best part was i didn't feel as anxious/overwhelmed as usual. hell, i even communicated (did some small talk) with some teachers i like, but that's most likely also the last time knowing myself.

i also got to choose my next classes for senior year. i only chose my core/most necessary classes. i did this since seniors are allowed to leave early as long as they already have enough credits to graduate (i'll have 22/20 if i don't fuck up this semester). i chose 5 classes, so i'll most likely get to leave at ~2 pm instead of 4.

ill try to give out more info on what happened these part months tomorrow since i'm exhausted rn bye ❤

1/11/23

1:03 p.m.

i'm doing better now :) . most of my classes weren't as unbearable as they were on monday, and it turns out all the people in that music class were people who got randomly put there so there's nothing too bad going on in school rn.

it's hard to move on, but i think i'm doing fine. A didn't care about me as much as i thought anyways. he didn't even ask what was up with me when i told him i didn't wanna talk to him anymore, which just made it clear i wasn't that important. either way, i'm glad i don't have to worry about all that talking we had being a joke, and i feel even gladder about not being infantilized on fucking instagram dms anymore. i think i might have bpd but i'm doing better now so it doesn't matter. gl to everyone though ❤

1/9/23

2:12 p.m.

christmas break was wonderful. too wonderful.

i exploded today. at midnight i finally cut off A on instagram, then i reflected about everything that's gonna happen to me soon and i ended up sobbing again. my mom heard it and came to comfort me. i (stupidly) told her about all my suspicions of me being mentally disabled, but luckily she couldn't understand what i was saying and made me calm down. i just told her i felt left out (and some other half truths) and told me shit i'd find in a tubmlr quotes account from 2014. she's not wrong for reacting that way, but i seriously need to control myself. my sister def heard everything but she was half-asleep so i'm not worried about her rn. my dad was dead asleep so he's not a problem either.

today school started, and it's been awful so far. i finally passed my english 1 class (no longer stuck with freshmen) but my school replaced that class with fucking music. not only do i know absolutely nothing about it, the people in that class are usually annoying and insufferable. thankfully enough i haven't had that class yet, so hopefully the other people there aren't as unbearable as i think. i also finished english 3 and i'm taking a college-level english class now. the difficulty didn't bother me, it's just the people there. in that class i sit in the last desk in a row, and one (empty) desk away from me, there was no one other than the bitch i cursed off in 9th grade and a friend of hers. i usually feel like shit when people leave an empty desk just so they don't sit next to me but this time i felt blessed. i genuinely don't know how much i'll last living like this. it's so distressing to see people i've known for half my life already have so much progress in their lives. it's not my fault i'm the way i am, but i hate it how everyone thinks & expects i'll just be doing okay someday. that's not going to happen. besides being severely mentally ill and possibly disabled, i'm poor and live in a shithole. money's just getting tighter and tighter so the option to just be a neet seems to be fading away. why did my life have to be this way? i know i'm not a good person but i can't just ignore how much shit i have no control over is making it harder and harder for me to live. i'm tired of people telling me shit like "just try changing the way you process things" when i fucking can't. it's so grueling to accept i'll always be like this. i didn't choose this.

i feel like my body dysmorphia's getting worse. it's been getting harder and harder to do shit like showering or even seeing my face in the mirror. i'm almost a fucking adult and i hate it. i feel nothing but agony when i see/feel hair growing on my face and noticing how wide my ribcage is. i've always dressed in baggy clothes but i don't feel like it's helping anymore. my eating disorder stunting my height (i'm 5'10 while both my parents are WAY over 6'2) makes me feel a bit better, but all that improvement just goes to waste when i see other people my age (and even younger) look so grown. how am i supposed to feel young when someone less than a year older than me already has a beard? i don't want to be perceived as an adult. i'm not mature for anything, and looking the part just gets harder and harder. seeing it at home just makes me feel hopeless. my sister's growing up too (and i don't resent her for that) but just seeing how much she's grown just makes me feel worse over how mich i've grown myself. her school friends she's always on call with don't make anything better. hearing deep voices coming from her phone makes me even more self-counscious about everything,

i just wish i hadn't hit the wall so soon. i know i didn't enjoy a significant amount of my childhood but i can't comprehend how it's already gone just like that. i need to get out of here. i want to be a total stranger to everyone i see. i need to leave this town behind and try to re-invent myself. i don't know how much longer i'll last here. i feel miserable in this place. i don't know where i'll go but i believe i'd hop around towns and first, then i'll move as far away as possible once i have the money to do so. i don't want to fully abandon my parents so i'm planning to send them some money every month. i just don't wanna go back to this wretched ass place once i get the opportunity to leave.

3:00 p.m.

i feel like i'm going through another mental break so pls don't worry too much about me ❤

12/14/22

5:06 p.m.

can't believe it's been ten years since sandy hook. i still remember seeing it all over the news when i was six. crazy how i was in that age range when it happened. well, i just hope whoever died is at peace now and that those who didn't have a good remainder of their lives.

I think my little episode is ending. i feel more aware of what i do and say, and im just glad its dying off in general.

12/12/22

11:37 p.m.

this weekend had a really big toll on me. my family went shopping for a few hours so i took advantage of it to finally bawl all my feelings off. at first it didn't work. i gave up, then i started confronting the annoying fuck (ig i'll call him A) on instagram on why he randomly started speaking to me after so long. i then poured out all my thoughts (like how hard it was for me to accept i'll be this way forever). he asked me what i meant by "being this way" then i just told him my mental issues can't (and will never) leave me. i then told him about how everyone in my life knew i had something going on before i figured it out myself, then i finally broke down. i broke down hard. it was one of those ugly crying sessions where you can't breathe properly and your arms get dumb. i put my phone down and sobbed uncontrollably for the next two hours.

after i got enough courage to pick my phone back up, i saw about a dozen messages from A telling me how he thought i was just "cool" and how sorry he feels for what i'm going through. i just decided to go along with it so i woudln't spill any more shit i can't let anyone i see irl know about. the "after-cry" was so relaxing. i felt clean for once. i forgot about my problems and ended up going to sleep for ~3.5 hours before my family came back. i hope i can sob again next week without letting anyone know anything else about me.

btw A got expelled from my school about a month ago now for getting high so i don't think he's gonna rat me out to anyone

12/8/22

8:11 a.m.

i'm really sorry for being gone. i thought my life was starting to get better but it didn't. i've come to realize i'll have to stay here. and i can't deal with it. anyone remember the ugly annoying fuck that used to randomly talk to me but stopped after dating the gross slag i berated in the cafeteria? yeah they broke up + he got expelled and he's been whining on my instagram dms and treating me like a therapist. apparently his ex coerced him into doing *shit* he didn't wanna do and left him for his (now ex) best friend. i wanted to go off at him too but then i realized i could just fuck with him in soft ways (like randomly ghosting for some hours). we've been talking for about a ten days now and i genuinely can't believe it. we've got absolutely nothing in common and we've only been bonding about hating on bitches we don't like. it's gonna ba real sad when the honeymoon phase is over but at least i had someone to talk to for some days.

i also had a mental breakdown yesterday. if i don't do *it* in april 2024, i'll most likely end up doing a career i hate and living a life i don't want (aka 9-5s, aging horribly, eventually being pressured to settle down). another factor is realizing what people always knew about me. they knew i wasn't mentally able for longer than i did and most did nothing; and those who did used it as an advantage to use me or treat me like shit. i just don't know why it went on for so long. some teachers treated me nicely than they did to the others but i thought it was because i didn't cause any trouble. the last factor was accepting the fact my mind won't change. i always wished i wasn't mentally ill but being mentally disabled was unexpected. both do some really hard shit to people (& i'm not trying to undermine that) but at least illnesses can be "curable" with the right treatment(s). the only gateways i currently have is maladaptive daydreaming and sleeping. i don't understand why this got dragged on for so long. i didn't do anything to deserve this. now back to the mental break i had, i found a pencil sharpener (iykyk) as well as a screwdriver and went to the bathroom. the cuts were average but i def broke some personal records when i saw a river of blood drip down my thighs onto the floor. i was very limp when i walked, but my parents we're having a discussion over money and my sister was on the phone with some friends, so i got to play it off. i then noticed a strand in my hair looked to curled up. i cut it, and then i couldn't stop finding imperfections. i ended up chopping off half my hair but my mom didn't notice until this morning. i told her i did it five days ago and she just went with it. i'm still feeling like i'm not "over" with the break but i doubt it will last more than four hours after this.

11/18/22

12:00 p.m.

sorry for being gone. my mental health has been shittier than usual. my eyes hurt and my brain fog is kinda fucking my grades up. i feel like time is running out. it's almost 2023, and i think my parents will make me get a job at that point. i've got mixed feeling about getting a job. yes i'd have to put up with more shitty people than i have to, but a least i'd earn some money. i've also been considering making music but (like i mentioned before) i'm broke so i'll need to get money beforehand. i know nothing about it but there's no way i'll continue to have shitty life experiences without trying to capitalize off them at least.

i feel anxious for my next school year. my school does this thing with seniors, and basically they're allowed to leave ~4 hours early to go work, but they need to have enough credits and all that shit. problem is, i have no idea how many credits i have. i'm retaking english 1 since i failed, and i chose to do world geography again since it was easy.

a very BIG scandal happened at school again. someone threatened to shoot up my school, and now he got suspended + sent to the psych ward. first of all, it was pretty fucking stupid to say it out loud. and second of all, i'm grateful nobody did any remarks at me.

i think i might need medications. it's getting harder to do everyday shit and it won't be long before people notice more and more that i have issues. i wish i had a blank slate again. i wish i was a new person. i've kept to myself for way too long to start talking to people.

i also hope my "prince charming" fantasy becomes true, even if it sounds like something a deranged 13 year old lana del rey stan might say. i just want someone to get me out of this place when i finish high school. i want to be driven around the country with no aim in particular, while having someone for emotional support. maybe we'd take turns taking jobs to feed ourselves & maintain the car. i just want want to leave this life(style) behind and have someone who loves me and actually treats me as an equal. i don't want to feel like a liability, a nuisance, and a ticking time bomb anymore.

now back to less mentally ill things, the seniors will be holding a game from 7th period to 9th period(?). i didn't buy the tickets to actually go, so i'll most likely stay in the cafeteria with anyone else who did the same. i'm just glad i'd have some time for myself. also, my friend kayla got her only computer taken away, and has been talking to me from her mom's ancient laptop. i'm just glad she's not gone forever like i thought she would be in late september.

10/31/22

happy halloween !

12:07 p.m.

the meet-up at my teammate's house on friday went much smoother than i thought it would be. one person didn't show up, but me and the rest did. my teammate had already bought most of the supplies so all we had to do was put it together. her mom & some neighbors helped with the electric wood cutter and the drill, and everything went smoothly except for my dumbass standing around looking for something to do so people didn't think i was lazy. the sun started to go down and everyone went home. unfortunately the capatapult wasn't 100% finished and i think i'll have to go again today to finally finish it.

i don't know why but my mind had another "relapse" yesterday. i started feeling worse than shit out of nowhere and it continued onto today. i;'ve just felt so unmotivated to do what i have to do, and i've been feeling extremely aware of my surroundings (esp. what the people around me do). i also embarrassed myself while exiting the cafeteria when lunch ended. i tried going upstairs, but there was the annoying bitch from freshman year talking with her friends and blocking the way. i walked away pretty quickly to go to the other stairway. on the way, i kept seeing even more people i didn't want to see. i saw mr slurs chasing around his performative ass bitch ex for validation, and i saw my ex-friend from 6th grade drag around the uwu kawaii faggot he replaced me with like if he was a lapdog. worst part was when the ex-friend looked back and me and ran>because he thought i was chasing him while dragging the replacement along with him. i eventually made it to my spanish class and i've just been relaxing for now. last week was a mess and a lot of people missed some tests so i've been doing nothing while half the class catches up.

10/28/22

9:42 p.m.

hi everyone ! school's been a bitch lately so i hadn't had that much free time to goon here but i can now. my school is currently holding a "fair" which consisist of teachers selling food to raise money for each respective grade they teach. my grade used to have some money saved up but it somehow evaporated last year so now we're broke. but back to the point, it was originally suppoed to be held afterschool, but the weather decided to be a little bitch and now it's being held during school. it's bittersweet to say the least. i can go anywhere i want for the rest of the day, but i hate it how people give me that pity look whenever they see me alone. i've even had a few people come up to me and say "we got u covered we'll buy something for you" and i just kept saying i wasn't hungry until got fed up and left. i'm currently holding out in the corner in the cafeteria, close to the table a few other undiagnosed retards sit in. i just know today will be long.school only started about an hour and a half ago, and i have to stay here till 3:30.

also, i have to go over to one of my teammate's house after school to help build a catapult we need for physics class. it would/will be the first time i've been in someone else's house in at least five years. only real problem i have other than being treated like a pet is having to eat, but i think i can work my way out of that. if i go to her house before eating at my own house , i'll say i already ate at my house so i don't eat at my teammate's house. and when i go back home, i'll just tell my mom i ate at my teammate's house and call it a day.

i;ve been tihnking of books to read lately. i've been considering getting valley of the dolls and/or my dark vanessa, but i always forgot to buy them when i still had debit card access. i've also been thinking about i'll cry tomorrow, a book i found about yesterday. it's an autobiography/memoir from the 50s about a 1920s/1930s actress getting tangled up in alcohol/substance abuse and how it killed her career, and how she overcame it to try and start living a remotely normal life.

i also don't think i have to worry about kayla's fed situation anymore. she hasn't had any scares with authorities for ~3 weeks now and she found a way to contact me on discord again, so hopefully that whole situation ends up as nothing but a close call.

10/22/22

8:36 p.m.

today's the day! my site celebrates its second birthday, and its official button is here: ! don't forget to resize it to height 31 & width 88 & to add a hyperlink everytime you add it to a site :)

10/21/22

8:36 p.m.

today has been pretty normal for me :) school was pretty mid, but at least i got out an hour earlier! i def need to learn how to control myself a bit more tbh. i always keep looking at the wrong direction (aka unknowingly looking at someone while dozing off and them literally evaporating bc of that) and making eye contact whenever i must have conversations with people. i understand that i didn't choose to have this disability but maybe training myself into getting rid of those habits might make my social life a little less shitty.

something that rlly hit me was an occurrance that happpened 2 days ago. i was in my computer class, and some people came to fix some glitched-up computers. it was no one other than some ex-seniors who graduated in 2019 or 2020. it ran me over like a truck. they looked so battered up and overall exhausted it made me sad. i don't like how they're a shell of what they were, but a thought that made it all worse was what they thought of me. they asked me how far highschool was going for me, so they definitely recognized me, and it made me embarrassed. i was a daisy-fresh twink last time i saw them/they saw me, and i'm now i'm nothing but an old, battered up, eating disordered prick who looks like the dog who ate a bee.

today is my roblox account's 5th birthday! i decided to celebrate it by skipping dinner & replacing those kcals with some icecream and listening to music. i know it's just an account in a hyper-capitalized platform, but creating it led me to meet some other chronically online people who helped shape what i am today (ex. j and kayla) so i think that's worth throwing a toast to.

i am excited to announce that i'll be officially releasing my site button tomorrow! it looks pretty rough compared to other ones, but hopefully a remastered/improved version will be released this xmas or new year's day.

10/19/22

8:05 a.m.

im about to hang and swing omg i was watching a beheading video without realizing some of the volume was on and now people think i was watching a twink get his guts rearranged. worst part is i can't say the truth or i'll get sent to a psych ward fr this time

yesterday afternoon was decent. i did all i had to do but the best part is testing out a new hair drier after i showered. it felt kinda annoying to feel at first but i'm so glad it managed to dry my hair in like 3 minutes

10/18/22

8:30 a.m.

these five past days have been shitty, but yesterday was the shittiest, and i expect today to surpass it. the little patience i had left literally desintegrated itself and i was pissed & insufferable for seemingly no reason the entire afternoon. today had a shit start. i woke up at 5 a.m. and binged on a donut, forgot to bring my headphones to school, and the worst of it, my school banned people from going to restroom (without directly contacting a higher-up staff beforehand) because some cunts vandalized the men's restroom in the cafeteria(someone shit on a urinal & some other things i can't remember); and as for lunch, no one will be allowed to leave/go to the restroom. i personally stopped using the cafeteria bathroom a long time ago (there was always a herd mfs vaping or literally taking up any space(s) available) and started going to the one near the front office. as for now, i'm planning to either try to go in 3rd period or 8th period. however, the worst of it all is that my school somehow blocked the fucking snake game on google. it was the thing i spent most of my time doing here, and now i'll use that time for more rants/vents on here and to fill up my 1k xp daily duolingo goal.

i want to (finally) release a site button on this site's second birthday. i "made" one yesterday, but it looked a little bit too low effort comapred to the other ones i've seen here. however, if i don't figure out how to make a decent one by the 22nd, i'll release the one i made yesterday and wait till xmas to release a more polished one.

8:53 a.m.

i'm killing myself a staff member just came in and revealed that the bathroom rules/cafeteria rules will stay the same till someone snitches on whoever fucked the bathroom up

10/13/22

1:01 p.m.

today has been very average but my mind decided to jump inside of a fucking blender and i'm feeling like i'm at the edge. at first i thought it was about the shit due tomorrow i have to do (4 worksheets) and idfk why i made a big deal about it (besides physics bc that shit makes me want to rip my brain out og my eyesockets) when most of it is basic shit like answering and writing. however, i think the thing that made my emotions act out was the little amount of time i have left to figure my life out. i keep hearing what my classmates want to be and it's grueling. "i'll be a nurse practitioner" said a senior girl in my business class, "i won't go to college so i'll work at the local refinery" said the leech who copied off of me since middle school. i quoted these mfs bc it showcases the range of shit i could be, but i'm still too undecided to do anything. something that really stirs my mind up is imagining myself & the people around me in 10-20 years. i already know some people that will inevitably end up like their parents (aka working blue collar and having enough kids to repopulate tokyo, and continuing generational poverty overall) while some others will go to college and make money for themselves and their surviving family members, own a few pets or even have a kid if they genuinely want on

1:34 p.m.

well, ironically enough, one of the girls who tripped on my chromebook charger two days ago was the one to finally notice the thing stuck in the outlet. my teacher didn't make a big deal about & just emailed some other staff about it and called it a day.

10/12/22

1:13 p.m.

hey everyone !!! i had a bit of a debacle yesterday ❤. exactly 24 hours ago in my english class, there was a sudden shooting drill. my class obviously turned the lights off, but some girl(s?) tripped & unplugged on my chromebook charger (i was using it). i didn't think anything about it at first, but when the drill ended & lights were turned back on i realized that the metal rod that was on my charger got detached and got stuck in the fucking wall. i wanted to pull that hoe out but i didn't want to electrocute myself so i left it there. when i returned home, i asked my mom if there were any spare charger parts around. she got suspicious and i eventally had to spill. she got pissed at me at first but eventually understood that it wasn't my fault some people chose to run in the dark, and gave me the right parts to correct my charger. i thought that school staff (or at least anyone else) would see the metal rod sticking out of the plug but it's somehow managing to stay unnoticed even an entire day later.

10/4/22

11:34 a.m.

this weekend + yesterday were meh. i had to overeat but at least i did absolutely nothing. however, i received the most amazing news on monday. y'all remember that guy who called me slurs in middle school who changed his act up to date some performative activist she/they slag? they broke up sometime last week and now the slag has been whining on instagram about it since. i used an anonymous story viewer and i cackled. this girl unironically whined about how there was no one to post her ass to "we fell in love in october" (all her friends were doing that apparently) and deleted all her highlights. i know i got issues for stalking that hoe's insta but maybe all of this wouldn't be happening if she never dick-rode a guy who went against everything she stood for + wasn't a play-dumb bitch who ignored everything he did in the past. and to top it all off, the guy she dated took off pronouns off his page as soon as everything went to shit and deleted all the performative posts he pretended to support.

i wish i didn't miss yesterday tbh. now i have work to catch up to and i'm too mentally exhausted for that. on the bright side, i've already managed to do most of it by now and i'm just hoping for the rest of my classes to be easy as well. some other good news is that Kayla (my best friend) found her laptop from 2020 and has managed to contact me from discord again. we've both agreed to do a forgetting pact, just to make sure neither of us get hit up by the feds like she did earlier this month.

9/28/22

8:26 a.m.

does anyone else deal with straight guys who do gay shit (ex. jokingly hitting up) other guys ??? i have to deal with two of them. the first one i've known since sixth grade and just started leeching off my papers while the other one is a freshman in my last class. most of the shit they do is tame, but sometimes they'll place their arms around my shoulder & soft shit like that. the wildest thing that has been done to me was guy #1 literally arching his back on a desk during english class, and said "you like that ass huh" (it happened before class started so no one was around) and the fact that he's one of those dudes with saggy pants didn't make it any better 💀 💀 💀 . i know they think they think they're teasing me but little do they know they're giving my touch-starved ass a literal buffet to binge on

9/27/22

11:35 a.m.

i feel like i'll start being pressured more and i don't like it. i only have 2 years left of highschool and my parents & other older family members don't shut up about me going to college. my dad couldn't give two flying fucks whether i go to college or not, but my mom and the rest of those family members assume i'll be going by default. i understand that they couldn't go to college and think they want the best for me, but they literally don't know anything about college other than the fake excuses their kids have told them to avoid getting whooped for going homie riding.

aging in highschool is just a reminder of how little time i have left. sophomores and freshmen unironically look like 12 year olds, and all of a sudden seniors don't look like the fossils i used to see them as before. also, people in my grades have shit like cars and jobs, and i'm starting to feel like i'm lagging behind. hopefully nothing too bad happens to me when time runs out, and hopefully it won't last long

9/23/22

10:55 a.m.

i just spent 30+ minutes typing an entry just to accidentally press on the power off button instead of backspace i'm going to sob

i wonder how disconnected from reality i actually am sometimes. i was definitely oversheltered by my parents, so i don't know anything about this town. i don't know were stores are, and basically anything that isn't my house. i've heard people say "[my name] definitely wouldn't survive at [other (but ghetto-ier) school]" and it made me remember that i don't know anyone other than my family honestly. most people my age here seem to know each other, and i wonder how they do it so well. i should've tried this when i was young enough, but my recluse ass is too old to actually start anything resembling a life in this place. moving to another place would give me a blank slate again, and maybe then i could start my life there.

i'll try to watch the new jeffrey dahmer biopic today. i've seen many people online talk about it, and i want to know what the hype about it is. it's no surprise evan peters got therole tbh. i binge watched all american horror story episodes and that man definitely knows how to act. but my main question here is: who tf asked for another jeffrey dahmer film/series? last time i checked "my friend dahmer" came out only 3-4 years ago, so was it really necessary to make more media revolving around him? jeffrey dahmer's case is a staple when it comes to getting into true crime, so making films/series about shit the intended audience already knows is just stupid.

another thing i don't understand is western media stigma around murderers. yes i know they all get collectively shit on, but i noticed people don't act as "rudely" to serial killers compared to mass killers. talking about death itself is already tabboo, but talking about mass killers just gets anyone shunned out. this is definitely not from experience, but i feel like serial killers are more "capitalized" than mass killers so it's no surprise this sort of thing happens. another reason why i believe this happens is due to how "new" mass killings are. yes, they've been happening for ages, but since ~1999, they've just become national mournings and vessels for weapon control. in the other hand, most serial killers discussed today did their crimes in the 70s & 80s, making it easier for people who never lived through that era discuss said crimes more casually. i think i understand the stigma now, but does that mean teens in 40-50 years will talk about mass-killings like that as well? if mass-killings aren't as common as they are today then, well maybe it would happen.

another thing i've been wanting to do but haven't done because of procrastination is buying shit off shein. i want to re-invent the way i dress, and shein is the only option my broke ass sees. thrifting stores here are just too expensive because of those teens who've been buying from them since quarantine started, so they're no longer viable. i have an idea of what i want to dress like. i want to dress like those near-anorexic y2k guys, but significantly less basic. i want to add more 90s stuff, specifically 97-99 alternative fashion influences. another influence i want to add is something i call "post-soviet y2k". i was watching some t.a.t.U. videos on youtube the other day, and the way some extras dressed just looked good to me. in general, i want to empower my own poverty and be able to dress the way i express myself online, and hopefully i get the motivation to do so this weekend.

9/21/22

8:11 a.m.

someone drew this on the very desk i made my last entry and i'm probably gonna start thinking i'm being gangstalked if shit like this keeps happening to me

9/18/22

8:08 a.m.

me after purposely going on the most vile & brutal meanspo threads next to the nosy fat cunt at school:

11:39 a.m.

i had to do a 3-period long reading test on my chromebook and i'm exhausted. it was a state-mandated test, so it definitely was more annoying than "local" ones. the most annoying part about it was how it never says how many questions i had to do. luckily, i only did ~54 questions, and i tried taking a nap on the stiff ass desk i had to sit in.

it might be because of the season change, but every place i've been in has been feeling colder than usual. waking up during this time of the year is the worst. having to force myself off my blanked and put on my ice-cold jeans every morning is the worst. also, my school always has a.c. on regardless of the outside temperature, so i'm always at the edge of shivering. i'll just gaslight myself into being grateful for it to be less awful. i mean, at least it's not hot and humid like summer right?

11:47 a.m.

i just saw someone on here mention fucked up discord servers, and i just got a LOT of unnecessary flashbacks. in 2018-2019, a friend i had at the time "jane", would drag me around servers her boyfriend was in. he was some wannabe jihadi from belgium and the shit on those servers fucked me up. they would be tame if i saw them now, but it definitely did something on 12 year old me. it wasn't just beheading videos, it was also some really intense hate-speech media as well as abuse (both typical "hitting" abuse as well as "nsfw") towards animals and people. jane ended up breaking up with that man and just pretended nothing happened. i'm glad i ditched her ass in 2020.

9/16/22

10:21 a.m.

one thing i actually like about going to school or any public place is the amount of irl fatspo. it makes me feel more self conscious about how much i need to care for myself, and it lowkey highkey makes me feel superior. it makes me feel accomplished, even more accomplished than getting good grades ever will. unlike getting a decent grade at a test, being thinner requires months ( or even years ) of self-control and patience, and it makes me feel good about myself. i sometimes feel bad for them, but if their parents are soft enough to let them hang out with their friends by themselves and even own a fucking car, they should definitely be able to decline meals and thin the fuck up. another detail (albeit small) that i like about school is the guys that sag (as in pruposely letting their ass hang out of their loose jeans). teachers may hate it, but i definitely enjoy the free show they give.

9/15/22

3:54 p.m.

today has been pretty much the same as the past 2 days. only major highlight was accidentally making eye contact with some random sanrio freak ass hoe in the hallways and literally making her run away. it took me a good minute ro realize what had just happened, and i just took it with a grain of salt consdiering i was just dozed off when it happened. the fact that she thought she was all that when she ran off made me giggle considering she dresses like the most typical shein-buying alt wannabe from tiktok.

i don't want to live long enought to go through my senior year tbh. it's barely been a month of my junior year and i've been feeling like shit seeing people from my grade start to move ahead. i miss it when all i had to do was get good grades to satisfy others. now i literally have to go get a job and maybe even get a fucking car to feel like i'm at the same level as others. there's no good jobs around though. i'd rather kill myself than to work retail or at food industry related places. all that interaction with strangers would just overwhelm me and cause me to have a breakdown once i got home. this would probably be more bearable if i lived at my own place in a different city, but instead i still live in the same old shithole i'm in, and i still live with my parents. wanting to see myself be thin is probably the only thing keeping me alive. i simply refuse to die fat. i understand embarassing moments are unescapeable, but i'd rather live through them over and over again than to die being a fattie. you know what? maybe having a job here can't be that bad. just like school, being shoved up with strangers overwhelms me, but at least i don't eat. i'm considering working long wages as much as possble to restrict myself from eating. the pay may be dogshit, but at least i'd get thin faster and that's all that matters. being at my house is a liability. my mom is there and as long as don't come home tired at 10-11 p.m. from work she willfill me up like a roasted pig.

i feel bad for my mom sometimes. she really tried to socialize me when i was younger but i was either too fat or too retarded to actually be likeable. now i'm close to 18 and i still can't go anywhere filled with people without being anxious or overwhelmed. but again, i wasn't the one who chose to have kids with a visibly mentally ill man. i definitely don't like the man either, but there's no way she never thought "damn this guy is retarded as shit maybe i shouldn't have kids with him" after dating him for 2 years. but well, the damage is done and there's nothing i can go about it. i just hope my sister does the same mistake if she chooses to have kids and continue this cycle.

maybe i shoudln't kill myself(?). being able to live in my own apartment/house by myself sounds beyond amazing and i want to witness that at least once. i woudln't have to deal with my mom fattening me, and i would live in a quiet place for at least once in my life.

9/14/22

8:13 a.m.

i absolutely hate it when i go on edtwt and people think im watching porn whenever those *showy* thinspo threads show up. i literally never scroll so fast in my life, but at least there's way more tip threads on there considering how much the community has grown. a "hit" tweet used to have 1k likes in ~2020 and i just saw one with 11k likes from like 4 days ago

2:12 p.m.

omg so i was re-reading some entries (specifically the part about the smelly whore from 8th grade returning) and all of a sudden i see her immense greasy-haired ass walk towards me and beg for my seat in a "omg can i pls have ur seat 🥺" way. i sit in the back of the class next to the wall so i think that bitch just wanted to smoke or some shit again. i gave her a "fuck off" sign by rolling my eyes and getting my chromebook out to write this entry and pretend i was doing some homework simultanously. after about ~3 minutes her lardass stood up and went to sit close to some obese porker (who happens to be the only person she recognized other than me) and is forcing herself into his conversation with the freshmen he's probably pulling a jeffrey epstein with.

9/13/22

8:20 a.m.

yesterday was absolute shit. besides my bowel problems, all of my best friend's electronics got taken away for talking with an (ex) teacher on discord and now the feds are gonna be checking all her shit. i wouldn't be worried since it's the teacher getting fucked over by the feds rn but i spoke a lot about acquiring drugs, eating disorders, and just being an overall degenerate with her, and i'm afraid i'll get dragged into this too. however, i sent out an email about my friend sending some bitch we had beef with gore and i hope her account gets banned soon enough before the feds actually have time to check her case. she comes from a farily large city, so hopefully they got other cases to focus on for now. the only way my friend has been able to contact me is by messaging me via roblox from her mom's old laptop, and i'm very grateful she told me. my anxiety's been pretty big since, but at least i feel lighter and skinnier since i shit out everything yesterday.

also, this school year has been eerily close to 8th grade. first of all, my 8th grade reading teacher got transferred to my highschool and she now teaches english 1 (which im being forced to retake for the 3rd time in a row) and some smelly bitch from 9th grade who got kicked out for smoking weed in the bathroom came back, so it just feels like i'm experiencing a revival i didn't ask for. but at least i'm skinnier than i was those days

11:33 a.m.

i feel so anxious right now. i sent out an email/report to discord to get my friend's account banned 6 hours ago and i been feeling like i'm about so shit my guts out of fear since yesterday. i hope this is just a big joke or that everything goes okay. my hands are cold as shit and i'm shaking like if i was in fucking antarctica. i can barely even manage to concentrate or even function in general. i just hope this doesn't get too out of hand and that everything goes back to normal.

9/12/22

9:09 a.m.

this weekened was very idyllic (as in i didn't have jackshit to do and just treated myself to anything i could) but friday and today (so far) have been chaotic. so, on friday, my name was put in some sat camp (tldr its just reviewing middle school shit every friday for the sat test in april) list thing. it spanned from 6th period to 10th period, but i didn't know the schedule. i went to my 6th period class, took the weekly test i have there, and went to my 7th period. however,that classroom was occupied by other people doing the camp thing, and i didn't know where to fucking go so i went to a near-empty classroom w a few freshmen and asked the substitute teacher there if she knew where the fuck i was supposed to go and then she called the fron office, then explained to me that i was supposed to go to the sat camp. i went there ~60 minutes late, but luckily i just missed some sort of lecture the teacher was explaining instead of any actual work, then we just reviewed some 6th grade shit then i went home 10 mins early. today's oretty normal, but i've been severely constipated for the past 2 weeks and i literally don't know when my bowels are gonna explode. i've had diarrhea-like pain since i've woke up, but no actual shit's been coming out whenever i go to the bathroom. it's just annoying. i think it's because i don't drink water as often tbh. i don't mean to be lazy, but i simply can't allow myself to pee in a public bathroom again.

9/8/22

2:59 p.m.

things are fully back to "normal" (besides my dad being unemployed).

i don't know why but 11th grade seems so much more uncanny than 10th grade and i can't figure out why. i think it's because i'm seeing people i've known half my life start being actual functioning members of society while i just rot away and all that. thing is, i genuinely don't care about how much progress others are doing anymore. i beat myself up over this in middle school when i saw how much money a classmate was making from making twitter art comissions, and there's no need to do it again over my classmates being employed & owning cars. i also feel like it's too late to off myself tbh. i'm not young & tender enough anymore to actually make anyone feel bad, so i'm just gonna stay alive and make it everyone's problem. i could get officially diagnosed w all my mental illnesses when i'm 18 so i can get some neetbux, but i'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. yes, i know it could help me, but i've heard too much about jobs refusing "unprofitable" people as well as more developed countries turning down foreigners that they aren't able to financially/physically exploit, and it's just a dilemma overall. i think i'll try getting some low-effort job so i can save enough money to get the hell out of here. after that, i'll go to any (more) developed country i can live in, give the impression that i'm one of those exploitable foreigners that fuck like rabbits, and literally just scam them off by getting diagnosed w/ my illnesses + finally getting neetbux.

i'm not sure if i want to be a neet tbh tho. being home 24/7 eventually gets boring, plus my eating-disordered ass would start binging to pass time like it's summer break and i would unironically kill myself if i went back to having the same bmi i had in elementary school. however, i don't think being a (average) wagie would make me happy either yes i'll make more money and all that shit, but working an average job (ex. office shit or something like that) feels basically like returning to school, and i'm not letting that happen. i would LOVE to have a remote job in which i can relive my freshman year (quarantine) and literally do the bare minimum in my own home and getting paid on top of it. i would unironically go to college to get whatever requirements would be needed. i heard comp-sci guys are more socially retarded than me so they shouldn't be too much of a pain in the ass compared to what i have to deal with here, so it's definitely an improvement.

also queen elizabeth died and idk how to feel about it, i;ll elaborate later

3:48 p.m.

queen elizabeth croaking feels weird. i literally couldn't care less about the death itself, but it reminds me of a time in 4th grade i saw a fake article about her dying and having half the class believe me until i got proven wrong lol

i sometimes wonder what could've been if i made different decisions in life. for example, i tried joining BAND in 5th grade but some girl was compassionate enough to tell me how fucking retarded the idea was and i backed out of it. i'm so glad it happened. first of all, i wouldn't be who i am rn, plus i would've been a band kid. i already know i got didn't get treated the best anyways, but at least i didn't have anyone to feed into my delusions in the name of being "supportive". i would've also been painfully unaware of myself. if i had joined it, i would probably think my mental illnesses were just me being quirky, and worst of all, there would've been no one to tell me how fucking awful the way i dressed was or how retarded i used to act in public. i'm just glad all whatever has happened to me has happened. i don't have anything against kids who just happen to be in band, i'm referring about the ones who form echochambers amongst themselves and become painfully detached to reality. i feel bad for them sometimes, but then i remember how fucking fake they are lol. some kid used to call me slurs during middle school and switched his little act up to get with some she/they slag who dresses like a junkie and thinks posting instagram infographics is activism.

8/23/22

2:14 p.m.

my sister finally returned from the hospital, and things have been going back to normal in general. i embarrassed myself in english class after reading out the wrong page in a book and pretty much just wasting a good 2 minutes of class. it felt like ass but at least i was relieved when it was over. also, my third period class teacher finally set up a seating chart and i can't say it was great but at least it wasn't bad. i'm sitting in front of some freshman twink and his typical girl best friend. they're loud as shit and that forced valley girl accent the twink does is jarring to hear, and the testosterone certainly doesn't make it any more tolerable. thankfully, we (as a class) didn't do too much shit and the teacher pretended to be oblivious enough to not notice everyone using their phones so it was meh.

8/19/22

1:23 p.m.

this past month has been stressing the shit out of me. not only did school start, but so many other things happened as well.

ti begin with, i started school nine days ago. most people got their chromebooks this monday, but i had some really shitty pericoronitis (wisdom tooth gum pain) so i missed it. i barely received it 2 days ago, but i still don't have the charger for it and i basically have to leech off other people to get things done. another issue is that the password they gave me to access microsoft teams doesn't work anymore, and now i have to wait till next week to get my new one.

things outside of school happened, and no they weren't too bright either. my sister's appendix randomly decided to fucking explode last friday night and she's been hospitalized for the past week. hopefully appendicitis isn't that big of a deal and gets back on track bc she has a shit ton of missing school work to do :/

being in 11th grade genuinely feels uncanny. everyone in my grade and 10th-12th grade seem to be so much older (physicallty ofc) than earlier this year while the freshmen look like they're still in elementary. no shade to freshmen but i deadass forgot how much of a difference 2 years is when it comes to young people. times like these i wonder what those seniors see in freshmen that look like they barely know how to multiply fractions tbh

7/13/22

3:07 p.m.

sorry for dissapearing for longer than some peoples' fathers have. the last day of school and summer vacation overall were/have been bittersweet to me to say the least. i'm glad strangers don't get to shit on me for a good 2-3 months, but staying at home 24/7 now means that i cant restrict my food intake anymore and its not been good to me. all the progress i've made in 10th grade is getting flushed down faster than drugs during a house raid, and its fucking me up hard. i havent been able to look at myself in the mirror since the break started, and the scale started to grow spider webs and shit in and on it. school starts again in roughly a month, and i don't even want to imagine how it's going to be like. some days before school ended; administrations gave students the chance to choose their schedules for the next year. realizing that i needed a shit ton of credits to graduate, i chose a shit ton of classes i have zero interest in just to balance those credits out and i feel like it's gonna bite me back in the ass sooner or later. some classes that i do remember choosing are theater, art, pre-calc, and algebra 3 (?). any subject requiring socializing is going to fuck me up regarding all the mental issues i have, while the math shit is just gonna make me feel stupid considering how i have the same memory span as a fucking crab.

my 16th birthday

today was pretty typical. same old shit at school and in my house, except my mom sang happy birthday to me this morning. i still ended up waking up late but at least that was a highlight

5/25/22

8:14 p.m.

i feel devastated. yesterday, i found out another school shooting happened in uvalde, a small town some ~80 miles away from san antonio, and over 20 elementary schoolers died. i know it's not my first time discussing topics like this; but i didn't suppose shit like this was gonna repeat this soon. i genuinely don't even have words to describe how i'm feeling rn. talking about this feels performative; but i just wanted someplace to pour out all my feelings on.

i turn 16 tomorrow and i'm not anticipated at all. tomorrow will just be another birthday full of existencial dread and things just happening as usual. on the bright(?) side, school ends wednesday next week, and i hope i'm excited for summer break, but i'm not. being locked for 3 months straight in the same old shack called a house will just end up causing immense amounts of boredom after a week or so. and what do i do whenever i'm bored to death? binge. i eat the fuck out of the kitchen, even food i don't normally like. and what happens after i binge? i either purge my guts out or have intestine-wrenching diarrhea at 3 a.m. . i hope i learn to control myself and continue dropping pounds

5/24/22

1:19 p.m.

sorry for being long for so long. it's finals week and i've had to do at least 4-5 projects, and i still have one left to do. it's late may so i've been feeling more emotional than usual. my sister turned thirteen three days ago and i'll be sixteen in 2. i just don't like this feeling/ i know time is unstoppable but i dont think i'm mentally prepared to see my sister become her "own" person. my parents probably felt the same way about me too, but unlike them i won't force shit on anyone (esp when i cant even do that to myself). like i mentioned before, i'm turning sixteen in two days, and i hate it. first of all, i'll finally be "legal" and i feel too used up for anything unique. i feel like i've been passed around like a bong at a fraternity house and i abhor this. sixteen is basically diet eighteen, but it's ultimately not the same. being eighteen gives someone full autonomy on themselves, while being sixteen just gives someone the chance to drive a car and to get legally fucked by people three times their age.

seeing everyone around me age makes me incredibly uneasy. i'm not only talking about my classmates & people my generation, i'm talking about people in general. everyone in my life got sixteen years older too. my grandma's hair got greyer than a rock, my once-cool millenial uncle no longer has his coolness (or even his hair) and the cousin whose baby shower i was forced to go when i was 7 is now older than i was at the time. i do not even want to think of all the things that are waiting for me. i could continue being the same retard people at school don't even know exist or i could possibly be working a full time job.

i sometimes wonder what could've been in my school forced me to "get help" when i was 7-9. now that i think about it, i showed multiple signs that i wasn't "typical" and even went to the counselor in a few occasions, but ultimately nothing happened. now that i think about it; my teacher(s) probably decided to not give me "help" considering that everything was just poor (both quality & economically wise) and wouldn't do much for me. but oh well, the past is in the past and i can't do anything about it.

5/10/22

9:03

this weekend was a 6.5/10. rated it that because i worried a bit too much about shit i shouldn't & getting diarrhea after binging. there were some good parts though. i got to stay home monday because of the diarrhea & i got to play roblox with my best friend kayla. i still have some shit to do for school but i'll worry about it later.

the shit i worried about was mostly about my non-existent social life, but i had a breakdown last friday/saturday night about j. j is/was a college aged guy i first met when i was 12, then again at 14. the first time we knew each other was very brief. i added him because i thought his profile looked good in 2018, and he added me back eventually. howver this didn't last long. things were going fine until he randomly decided to ghost me and dissapear like half the country's dads. however, he randomly relocated me and added me back in late summer/early fall 2020. things went a lot better this time. we sent each other memes and spoke about our lives, and i eventually decided to add kayla to make things better and it did. we kept this up for about 2 motnhs before the expected happened again. j randomly stopped responding to me and kaylas' texts, and eventually deleted all accounts he had. i didn't take this well at first. i spent the next week thinking about how i fucked up, then i realized that speaking to middle schoolers while being a college senior might not be the most acceptable thing to do. nevertheless, he was a good makeshift therapist and i'll always be grateful for him making it seem like he understood what was going on w my life. i know i shoudln't be worrying about this anymore, but i hope we can meet again later; but later could mean a week or even a decade, if not more.

now to the good parts. i mainly played muder mystery 2 and natural disaster survival w kayla, and every second of it was fun. we even argued with a few salty 10 year olds, but it felt great seeing them leave after getting fed up. i also re-discovered a game called those who remain. it's a first person shooter game about killing zombies. it hasn't changed much since i last played it in 2019, but the graphics are still exceptionally great for a roblox game after all, and i hope i can play it again later today

5/4/22

9:06 am

these past 2 days have been calm. i still have had my awkard moments, such as hallway eye contact, but it's been going better than last week. my main preoccupations are some school projects i have to do and my shitty financial situation. first of all, i have three projects due this week to towards the end of the month. the first one is a powerpoint about a holocaust figuire i haven't chosen yet (for english 1), the second one is some lab papers i have to do in a group (for chemistry), and a 2,500 word six page essay about pearl harbor for english 2. i genuinely don't know how i'm gonna be able to pull out so many words out my ass but i hope nothing negative happens.

11:40 am

i think i should start writing about true crime things again. true crime was the main reason i even started this whole thing, but i suppose i stopped because i write most of my entries at school and getting caught writing about how someone shot up an elementary school definitely wouldn't be the best thing to get caught doing.

anyways, i still remember when adam lanza's (another ?) youtube account was discovered. everyone in that reddit thread glossed about it, stating that it should be archived right away & that transcripts should be made and all that stuff. i personally don't remember much from that day, but i'm 100% sure the things he spoke about there gave more insight on why he did what he did. i recall him talking about how the world was too bad for kids and some other cheesy shit like that, but something i dont understand is why he chose to put them down the way he did, or why he even bothered to do anything about at all. i mean, kids still suffer to this day and i don't bitch about it, mostly because there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

something about his whole case made me ponder: will getting "help" really do anything? i've always (& sometimes still do) wondered if getting mental help can actually improve anything, but after seeing so many botched cases both (mostly) online and irl, i'm not even certain that i should get help atp. i definitely can't rn bc i'm broker than lil kim, but i wonder if it could actually do anything

now back on some school things {3. first of all, i already finished the chemistry thing i had to do, and my main focus is the pearl harbor essay. i'm sorry for not mentioning this any sooner, but my english 2 teacher gave me a paper. it said that three teachers must sign it after revising whatever progress i've made, and that it was due on monday. luckily enough she was the first so sign it after seeing that i did the MLA format properly, and i convinced my chemistry teacher to sign it earlier today. now i only need 1 more teacher, and my reading teacher is the best candidate so far. he's some college dude doing teaching as an extra gig, and he shouldn't be too feisty or thoughtful about a 10th grade essay anyways.

5/2/22

9:06 am

this weekend was okay. i defenitely (had to) overate compared to the schoolweek, but i was more controlled. i sate significanlty less than last weekends' massive failure, and i purged a few times to couple things out. surprisingly, purging made me less afarid of vomit but that acid reflux that happens over the next hour is just as unbearable as before.

i don't have many school things to worry about, but there;s definitely at least one. i have to do a 2k word 6-page essay due on the 20th (about pearl harbor), and i have no idea how to fill out so many words. i worked on it last week, but i unfortunately only used 2 pages and ~560 words hopefully i soon find a way to stretch the living shit out of it (as in wiritng more about small details) and make it look like what i have to do.

4/29/22

2:48 pm

i'm glad today is friday, but i'm mostly glad nothing too shitty happened to me today. first of all, i managed to turn in all my things in, and did actually some work before the day it was due. something kinda embarrassing did happen today. a fire drill was announced without warning, and everyone went out as one, even though we (as in my school) weren't fully sure it was a drill, we just went outside and stood on the parking lot. however, i leaned on a teacher's car for a few seconds and got called out for it 💀. everyone looked at me for a hot second, but i managed to make myself look like it never happened, and luckily enough the drill ended and shit went back to normal.

another unexpected thing did happen during the drill as well. some guy i went to elementary school with who happened to be like 4 feet away from me at the parking lot came up to me and pointed out that it's been years since we last spoke; and said all that plain old shit an aunt you haven't seen since you were five would say. i eventually got fed up w all that rambling so i just made him think he said something mean and leave. basically, he said "i can't believe it's been so long since we spoke lol" and i said "why are you saying it like it's a good thing" and he went "oh i didn't mean it like that i'm so sorry" and just left. i initially didn't plan to be an asshole, but him just rambling about himself and all the "omg i've done so much more progress than you since we've seen each other 🥺" shit just ruined the whole thing. another factor that ruined it was him rambling for over a whole minute and not bothering to mention anything different he'd notice in me. hell, he didn't even care to mention (or let alone imply) the most obvious changes about me, especially that i had lost dozens of pounds since and how i managed to express myself a bit better than before.

have a nice evening everyone ≤3

4/28/22

8:10 am

i've been feeling better these past two days. i overate on the 27th (1481 kcals instead of my 1440 limit) while on the 27th i ate ~1200 kcals. it honestly shocks me how some people can eat thousands of calories at a time. i'm not trying to sound rude or anything though. it just surprises me how SOME gym bros talk so casually about eating the same amount of calories i eat in 3-4 whole days in one. ik they're doing it to themselves and it don't affect but like i said before, it just surprises me.

today my school is making my whole grade take a three hour career test, and i'm not really worried about that. yes, i know i'm undecided for everything and haven't really thought about wtf i'm gonna do when highschool ends, but it can't be too hard right? just for the record, it won't accept my grades at all, it just sees what i'm good/bad at. i just don't wanna explain (to staff) how i've been undecided for the past 5-6 years and how my time's running out; and whenever my parents get asked what i wanna do, they just pull out some career(s) i wanted to do in like 3rd grade and run with it. i just hope i eventually find something to do.

2:52 a.m

i just saw my hallway crush from 6th grade without a mask on for the first time since covid started and idk how to feel :/ . he had a full on beard and seeing him age that much just made me (kinda?) shook me up. i used to see him everyday during 6th grade before 3rd or 4th period when we waited for class to begin (our classrooms were next to each other), but him being 1-2 grades older never gave me motivation to actually talk to him, especially because i was a very wary 6th grader. i kept seeing him for the next few years, bu not as often. yes, i knew he had to age anyways but this just took me by surprise. it reminded me of how much i've aged myself, but i also believe it's a sign for me to let whatever thoughts i have left for him go. there's no need for me to continue beating myself up over crushes i purposefully don't want to make anything big out of, and to simply let unnecessary things go.

4/26/22

9:10 am

these past six days have been shit for me. not only did i binge all weekend, i also found out my scale was 10 pounds off and i got diarrhea so hard yesterday i couldn't attend school. i dont know how to feel anymore. i feel so dissapointed. i genuinely thought i made so much progress only for it to be an illusion. but that won't stop me. i'll continue eating as less as possible and reach my temporary gw (95-115 lbs) by july.

i feel so full it makes me wanna purge. i tried purging as much as i could this weekend but i had to stop because ,my teeth were starting to feel weird again. i just wish i had control on myself, and that my parents (my mom to be specific) pretended my eating habits weren't bad and that i could do what i wanted w them. i don't want to be thin. i need to be thin. i've always wanted this and i will reach this one way or another.

4/20/22

9:03 am

happy 4/20!

this past month was lowkey shit and i'm not lying about it. my family's finanical situation is getting shittier but at least i'm losing more weight ♡. i made a shit ton of ed moots on tiktok and i'm veryv grateful for all the new tips they've given me. i will update my weight this friday, and i'm excited to check as well. i feel proud about myself and the progress i've made. i used to weigh a whopping ~170 pounds last year and now it's getting close to 120. i checked a bmi calculator site and apparently i need to weigh at least 114 lbs to be underweight, and hopefully i reach that by the summer.

i'm worried about the summer tho. my family makes me eat 3 meals a day (at least 2000 cals from what i've counted) while during schooldays i only eat twice a day (or ~1000 cals) and fast for 17-19 hours. i can't believe i'm going to say this but i think school isnt that bad. yes the other people treat me like dogshit at times but atb least i get 9 entire hours to not eat and peacefully restrict.

ik nobody asked but i took a south park personality test

and here's the results.

3/8/22

3:16 pm

todayw as mostly normal but something unexpected happened to me recently. my 10th period teacher was relocated to the cafeteria due to the testing, but i didn't know. i stayed in the library for 30 mins before someone told me she (the teacher) was in the cafeteria. i figured that she'd already counted me absent, so i'm just chilling with some 11th graders in the other side of the cafeteria

3/6/22

9:16 pm

hi guys !!! sorry for the little breakdown i had this friday (: i was overwhelmed since i don't rlly get in trouble but i'm doing great now. i went w ~7 people to find the guy and he gave us a lecture on why we shouldn't use phones at scool but he gave them all back to us at the end (:

i'm also pretty firm on what i said about college yesterday, but i think i understand my parents better. my dad prolly knew how shitty his mom felt when he dipped and now he doesn't want to go through that as well. but whelp, if he could move hundreds of miles away for better chances at life who said i can't?

this weekend felt boring but i suppose that's a good thing. i'm glad i didn't feel bad like i usually do when i do go to school. i genuienly can't wait to start my life all over. i believe that it will (and hopefully) allow me to develop at my own pace, and give me a sense of peacefulness and belonging. something i'll love will be having everything so close to me. the closest stores (or any public space that isn't the streets) are MILES away from where i live, and since no one in my family can currently drive, it's rare for anyone to actually leave the house. but that won't be the case w me if i get to move out. i heard public transport is better in europe (at least it's better than the nyc metro) but i'll still be aware.

i don't have any due assignments for school, and it feels GREAT to not have as much things on my plate. it truly feels relaxing to worry about fewer things, and just living life in peace overall

3/4/22

2:51 pm

i didn't think today would get any fucking worse but it did. some overweight bastard (our sub) took half my algebra class' phones (mine included) and now we have to "find him after school" which is gonna stress me out even more. and even if i find his daddy pig lookin ass he'd probably charge money and i don't have shit on me. i could wait till monday but that would be horrendous considering i don't have anything else to do over the weekend (my parents don't let me go outside or do anything my myself). i genuinely want to scream my guts out but instead all i can fucking do is rant on a chromebook while i make sure nobody sees what i'm doing.

i'm genuinely sick of living in this shithole of a city. it's literally a diet detroit. i can't believe my parents wllingly moved in here to begin with. the community's awful, there's absolutely nothing in the city centre besides rotting 1930s architecture and "fireworks" every few hours. i truly want to leave (when i'm 18 dw), but i'm sure my parents will cling on to me as much as they can. they don't want me to leave and i know that. they don't want to feel old, and most importantly, they do not want me to start making money all for myself. something i don't understand is why my dad doesn't want me to leave for good. he ditched his family (aka his parents, siblings, etc.) when he was my age so i do not see why it's suddenly so bad if want to do it when i'm a legal adult.

there's absolutely nothing good for me here, even if i was brainless enough to stay. all the "decent-paying" jobs are at refineries, and my family knows damn well i wasn't made for hard labor. i could make an OF page when i'm 18, but i don't look skinny, frail, and young enough to make decent money, while on the other hand i don't look muscle-y enough and handsome to try a different side of the coin on that site. and don't even get me started on college. my parents want me to attend a shitty local college so that they can leech off my money when i do get a job, while college life just makes me nauseous to think about. i'd be pretty dissapointed if i waited 12 years to become 18 and finish highschool just to go to school for 4+ extra years. college doesn't seem appealing to me and it never has.

however, going to college abroad will give me a chance to finally get out, but the shitty college experience will be worth it. if i had to choose a college to go to outside of america, it would be the university of barcelona in spain. the living conidtions tehre are heavenly compared to the ones here, average tuition is around 3k dollars per year there, the architecture and landmarks are aesthetically pleasing, and there's no cincrete wastelands filled out with cars. i know there are downsides. but i'm willing to risk them for a few years of personal freedom. i know i'll have to work, but considering it's western europe it shouldn't be that hard. plus, wages are higher there (yes ik the cost of living is high too) and as aresult there's extra spending money. i can't wait to be free for once. there will be nobody to tell me what to wear or not to to wear,nobody to tell me that i should eat when i don't want to, and most importantly, there will be nobody from this city to ruin my life there

3/1/22

9:17 am

are lobotomies really that bad

2/23/22

11:05 pm

russia just invaded ukraine and the whole world's gonna have to deal with all that shit now

2/22/22

2:03 pm

happy 2/22/22 (:

my day was shitty as usual. some cunt sitting next to me caught me looking at pro-ana tips on tumblr and kept staring at me for the rest of class. and just to add more salt onto the wound, the teacher re-arranged the desks and everyone close to me moved away. more space for me ig.i kept my backpack on my lap to continue using my phone discreetly, but i unknowingly left my water bottle half-open so the water (luckily) dripped all over my hoodie. i put "(luckily)" because it wouldve been way more embarrassing to have the stain on my jeans. a good thing that happened was the teacher unknowingly giving the whole class some spo. it wasnt meanspo nor sweetspo but it was definitely a spo. long story short, she gave the class an example of "slippery-slope" (writing class terms are so weird) and said an example that went along the lines of "don't eat that candy or you'll continue eating and eating up until you appear on 'my 600-pound life' and die". it was definitely unexpected, but i'll definitely remember this and use it whenever my bitchass subcounscious wants to eat out of my limit. (:

2/21/22

7:44 am

this weekend was absolute shit. i binged on basically anything i could find, and now i feel like shit about it.

today hasnt been easy either. my hair's extremely greasy even tho i just showered yesterday. besides that, it falls out constantly as if i had fucking leukemia and i didnt even have time to brush it out this morning.

9:09 am

everything just feels weird. i don't really feel like u'm here but i definitely am. these past few months (as in every month since september) just feel the same. it's the same routine everyday and it gets less exciting by the second.

i also watched the black swan (the movie w/ natalie portman) and it was shocking to say the least. (spoler warning) the whole ordeal with mental illness (schizophrenia to be specific) showed me how harrowing and scary it can get without even knowing. the scene with beth (winona ryder's character) stabbing the shit out of her face at the hospital had me thinking i was at a shock site for a hot second. the whole ordeal with thomas replacing beth with nina kinda scared me more about the concept of relationships. i don't wanna get thrown away when i'm "old" just to get replaced w someone half my age. i'm pretty sure nina knew about the whole replacement thing though. she really felt threatened by lilly when she started getting decent roles and basically coming close to replacing her, but i don't know if lilly was actually getting those roles or if it was just nina's illness fucking her up more. the ending had me shook, specially after finding out that nina didn't stab lilly but actually herself, and how she (nina) performed magnificently before realizing she twisted her guts at the end of the play and basically just ending (the movie went right into the credits as soon as more people started to notice the blood coming out of nina).

9:35 am

i feel like i'm missing something. it's not something as physical as a pencil or my phone but i think i'm missing some shit like iron or vitamins. idk.today just feels blurrier than usual and i can't focus if i'm being honest. i know i already couldn't focus but today just feels like i can't even try at all. everything just feels fake.

2:57 pm

my day just got even worse 😻😻😻. i was supposed to go to my algebra class, but there was a poster that said "ms algebra teacher's class go to the library every friday" so i just stayed there since it wasn;t friday. however, time passed and literally nobody else showed up so i ran my ass up to the library and now i'm stuck with 2 freshman girls who talk like kim kardashian.

2/16/22

9:02 am

i feel so dumb rn. i was playing some video games on my computer class (my first period) and when it ended my dumbass thought it was 3rd period (i had to go to english 1); so i basically ran my way upstairs and i walked behind some people to get there. not long after i realized that it was actually second period (i had to go to biology) and that i made the people in front of me feel stalked. i RAN downstairs so i couldn't be late and i've been feeling like the dumbest bitch alive.tbh, how did i not see what was wrong? i saw a whole different set of people walk around the halls and a different vibe overall.

anyways, i had a test yesterday. it wasn't a normal one, but practice for the state one i'll "take" in april. i put quotes on april bc only 9th garders are going to be taking it. i literally just had to take it because i was in english 1 (9th grader english basically) and just went along w it. i finished it around ~2 hours in (40-50 questions) and just watched girl interrupted in an illegal website afterwards to pass time. a benefit i had from it was being able to avoid my child development class. it's usually easy (just taking notes from slideshows) but i had a partner group and i didn't do jackshit. hopefully my partner did end up doing something tho

2/14/22

9:10 am

happy valentine's day ! . this past month was both eventful and plain. my schedule changed (half of my classes got switched up). i no longer have p.e., and i got art to replace it. my chemistry and math periods got swapped, and that's about all the changes. my dad's doing okay, but the bills are definitely fucking everyone in the house over lol.

i've also lost a decent amount of weight (17 lbs) since november, but i'm not satisfied enough. i can still feel the excess skin and all the hanging weight. i don't like it. i personally don't think i'll stop restricting until i reach whatever wieght i'm finally happy with.

1/10/22

12:38 pm

i am very sorry for the extremely long break I'd had. 2021 was shit but i managed to learn more about myself and the world (mostly bad things but still). Some of these things include finding out that im somewhere in the autism spectrum and that i live in one of the poorest cities in my state. something else i learned is how small the world can be. one of my mutuals from here showed up on my tiktok fyp and i follow them now. a bad thing that happened not too long ago was that my mom hid my scale a few weeks ago and ive been feeling horrendous without it.

my dad got sent back home 2-3 weeks ago and he's definitely getting better but at a slow ass rate. he's bed-ridden and my mom has to take care of him while my sister and i go on w our day. im glad he hasn't spewed any bullshit out of his mouth already.

schools been the same to say the least, but not for long. my schedules getting changed on the 25th and i genuinely couldn't be any more worried about it. hopefully my new classes are easy.

3:11 pm

i wish i wasn't so inconsistent. or hard to please. i;ve tried nearly everything i could to make myself feel better for the past 5 years and i still feel like shit. i get sad when people don't talk to my sorry ass, but i feel anxious when someone does talk to me. how the fuck did i end up like this. what. went. wrong. i don't even know if i can continue trying. i could move somewhere far away after i turn 18 but i doubt it'd do anything considering how i am. my relationships w most people are on thin ice, and i'm worried they'll go considering that;s basically all i got left.

i feel like my relationships w my family are about to get real bad within a few years. i'm getting inevitably older and i still got no idea abt what do w it. i hate getting older. i know 15 isn't "old" but i'm getting too old to do what i've always liked doing for a long time, and dealing w it sucks. i can't comprehend that i'll be a legal adult in 2 years. i don't even feel like i've matured that much.

11/18/21

5:20 pm

the past ten days have honestly felt horrendous tbh. school stayed the same, but my eating habits changed for the worst. i binged ~3 times and i feel like complete shit about it. my mom made me eat (an oil-filled) soup and i feel like i just ate 5 bars of melted butter. i. feel. so. fat. right. now. i binged yesterday; and as a result, my body punished me by giving me fucking diarrhea in the morning and i couldn't attend school bc of it. i was initially glad i didn't go to scool but then my mom actually made me eat breakfast and lunch (which made me feel huge).

the thanksgiving break starts tomorrow, and i don't know how to feel. if i could barely manage to control my mind over eating more than usual for one (1) day, imagine how miserable it's gonna be for 9 days. the only good part about this whole fiasco is that the school is releasing everyone at 1:30 pm, instead of 4:30.

11/8/21

2:02 pm

i just got out of p.e. and i got mixed feelings, but mostly good ones. our teacher weighed everyone, and i was anxious. eventually, it turned out that i now weigh 149.7 lbs, but i don't know if the scale is saying the truth. i just hope it is.

11/7/21

6:51 pm

this week was bittersweet to be honest. i ate ~1k calories per day until friday, where my fatass went ballistic on a bag of chips and ended up binging the entire weekend, and ended up eating 5.6k calories as of now. i feel like shit about it and i'll try to pay off my debts by eating as less as i can next week.

school was fine. i have a geometry group project to do with a twink, his typical girl best friend, a snow bunny, and her boyfriend. none of them are too obnoxious but the twink sounds like kim kardashian if she went on testosterone and it makes me wanna rip my ears off. thankfully it's due on wednesday, and won't take too much of my time. i also have a very important test for english class, and the teacher already hinted my whole grade that it's going to be a pain in the ass.

10/31/21

7:00 pm

happy halloween. i'm sorry for the ridiculously long absence. this month hasn't been good to me to say the least, and i've tried as much as i could to divert myself from reality to stop worrying so much. me and my sister have visited the hospital every saturday to see my dad (one of my mom's friend takes us there out of pity), and he's getting better (but at an extremely slow rate). my sister and i haven't seen him, actually; mostly because the hospital is overrun with patients and only allows 1 visitor for the better. it's already been confirmed that he's going to need a shit ton of help after getting discharged, and that he's not going to be able to work for at least ~2 months after leaving the hospital. i genuinely don't know how to feel about the shitstorm that coming for me/us. i hope my dad learned his lesson and stops saying the same old shit he'd said before, and i also hope that the hospital bills won't be too damn high.

on the other hand, school hasn't changed much. i'm still socially inept and i barely manage to pass my classes. my only worries about it for now are 2 algebra assignments i purposely didn't turn in (my dumbass forgot to do them) and some cout-put foldable for english. my class is (ironically enough) reading othello & desdemona, and my group hasn't really made any progress on it so far.

9/27/21

1:46 am

accidentally stepped into a fairy ring after my class got taken outside for p.e

9/20/21

9:03 am

oh god it's picture day today (my dumbass didn't know) amd I look like a homeless methhead im about to scream

9:58

today has genuinely been si strange to be honest. I'm in my 3rd class right now (geometry) and since nearly everyone (9th graders) are in the gym getting their pictures taken, me and some other ~3/4 10th graders wre just here doing nothing. our teacher is here but she said she's not teaching anything if most of her class is gone.

i also don't know hoe to feel about the fact that only 2 people noticed i was gone for ab entire week

9/18/21

1:44 am

the past thirteen days have been an absolute mess to say the least. my dad and i caught covid, i've had to stay home for ~2 weeks, and my mental health definitely crumbled in some ways. my dad got really sick and he's been hospitalized in a hospital in a nearby city for the past 4/5 days, and he doesn't seem to be getting any better for now. my mom is going to ask a friend to take us (my mom, my sister, and i) to the hospital to visit him; but they only allow one person to visit, so my mom and i are staying in the car or waiting room.

early this morning (around 9/10 am) my mom called a friend to take us to the doctor to get checked for covid again. fortunately enough, my sister and i are both fine now, but my mom still has it, but she can't infect anyone anymore according to the doctor, and she should be fully recovered within the next few days.

i also better get to sleep rn bc i usually start hallucinating when i stay up for too long

9/4/21

8:28 am

i (reluctantly) got vaccinated (pfizer) yesterday, and i'm feeling more or less okay. i feel like the time i was sick with the flu from november 2019 to march 2020, except that i doun't cough up blood this time. the only thing i'm enjoying is feeling dizzy and queasy when i move and idk why tbh. i suppose that i'm enjoying the fact that i'm finally feeling something different (that isn't painful) for a while.

9/2/21

7:26 am

my sister was feeling sick for the past few days lately. i joked about covid and stuff and it was all fun and games until she actually got diagnosed with it (as well as my mom). i tried telling her to leave me home bc they probably already gave it to me but she said im fine since i dont have any symptoms. i guess I'll have to give people some free vacations now (people w covid are required to stay 2 weeks at home, idk if this is fully true but my sister's staying home until the 13th).

my mom couldn't take me to school today bc she had to take care of my sister, eo she convinced a friend to take me there. im in the car rn and it's genuinely so akward. her son is a senior who happens to be a spigger with that haircut, and his sister is a future diabetic 9 year old ipad kid. im glad this isn't lasting forever tho.

10:52 am

oh god i have to do a project with some random fuck i don't know and id rather kms than do this shit

9/1/21

i wouldn't be surprised if the taliban did something insensitive on the 20th anniversary of 9/11

8/31/21

7:37 am

i feel so tired

8/25/21

7:33 am

my school is (supposedly) going back online sooner or later, and they gave everyone chromebooks yesterday. i thought i'd be fine until i found out that they gave me the wrong fucking charger, and when i charged it (i asked someone to let me borrow their charger) it didn't fucking turn on and the little light yhat showed it was charging was fucking changing every second as if it was having a seizure. i went to the library after school to tell them about it (they handed the chromebooks out there) and there was fucking nobody. after that, i tried going to the front office and telling tye secretary about it, but it was fucking crowded (it was near the exit door, and everyone was there waiting to get out) so i couldn't do shit either. once i got home and told my mom, she told me about how i should've tried telling them sooner, and that they'd think that i broke it bc im gonna be telling them nearly a full day after I got it. ugh. this has to be the worst fucking timeline I'm in.

8/24/21

7:46 am

im doing some homework in the cafeteria before school begins, and i just hope today isn't as shitty as yesterday. for my 10th period (english) i have to do a group project about a plot line or some shit. i barely know anyone in it so it's definitely going to be awkward ugh

8/23/21

7:36 am

i started school on thursday, and since then school hasn't been hard for now. in usually stilll anxious but not as anxious as my past years, so i guess thats a good thing. i'll also start going on the bus today. i'm lowkey worried, but that's future-me's problem after all.

most of my vlasses are okay, some thrill me more than other's, but its not that much of a concern compared to other things i've been through. i failed english last year, so im retaking it this year. i thought it would be ~12 people there like in the other classes, but there was only one other person besides me, and it was no other than a 6th grade i had then grew out of each other eventually. he's not a dickhead, but it's definitely akward being the only ones there

8/10/21

9:03 pm

i'm finally back online. i came back home about 6 days ago and didn't have the courage to go back on the internet until ~30 minutes ago. i decided to see what i missed while i was gone, and oh my fucking god. chris chan fucked his mom out of all people. i was genuinely in disbelief when i read what happened, and it made me regret going back online to begin with. anyway, when my family was at my grandma's house there was a change of plans and decided to stay ~8 days more for undisclosed reasons. my dad did give me my phone back, but my mom took it up and only gave it to me when we went to the city centre for shopping. we never stayed at any place long enough to connect to the internet, so there's that.

i go back to school in nine days and i get anxious even by thinking about it. i already picture myself sitting by myself at a cafeteria table digesting nothing else than water while i think about going home, and having no close friends there doesn't make anything better. the last person i truly considered a friend at school moved to fucking connecticut in 5th grade and now i'm just here waiting for something positive to happen, but it's been nearly half a decade since he vanished, so i don't know when that "positive thing" is happening.

6/24/21

9:01 pm

my school yearbook arrived today, and oh boy i do feel like shit. my face looks too fucking chubby and the fact that everyone around the picture was skinny definitely didn't help at all. the fact that picture day happened no more than 5 months ago (during my ed peak) made me realize that i've probably definitely gotten fatter in the meantime. if i don't stop eating shit druing the rest of summer break, i'll surely do so in school. school gives me 8 entire hours of not eating, and homework/projects might keep me distracted from eating. i remember that when i peaked during march & april, i always filled myself up with water bottles (3-5 per day, probs even more) and if i didn't drink it, i'd binge on some 12-calorie crackers. a thing that i'll not be able to do once i get back in school is purge. as i mentioned previously, i started getting reflux often, and the back of my front teeth started feeling weird. i then figured that if i kept purging, my teeth and stomach lining would start to do some heavy impacts on my health, and that my parents would find out about me purging again if we went to the doctor. my lowest remembered calorie record was ~440 calories in one day, but now that i won't be able to purge, it's probably gonna go up to 600 (or more) calories.

the senior quotes were, at least to say,underwhelming. it was mostly some cheesy ass quotes they probably looked up online, some unlaughable jokes, or bible verses.

i'll also be traveling to my mom's hometown for ~3 weeks (because of some condition my grandma has) and i'll try to update as much as i can (even though i don't have my fucking phone and i can't take the laptop) regarding the shit do there. i'll definitely be able to go out more (at least w my mom and my sister) than i do here, and the city center isn't run-down and abandoned there lol

6/20/21

7:34 pm

i've finally decided to come back from the break i've had and do some updates on my life. i'm more than glad about nor having to worry about school, but what now? i've never been able to do anything alone really, not even go to the mall, and it's hard to think about what i'm supposed to do now. i hope i think of something soon though. a downside about school being over is that there's really nothing to restrict me about my eating habits. when i went to school, i didn't eat anything for over 8 hours and once i got homr i ate as little as i could, but now that it's all over i've been binging way too fucking much.

i also did some physical entries during my last days of school and i'll try to put them in here if i find them, and if i'm alone (so no one in my house suspects anything).

5/27/21

7:45 am

my day just started and i hate it already. i nearly got to school late, and i feel full. i decided to stop purging since i started getting heartburn and my teeth started feeling weird, but it's having some awful side effects. my fatass eats too much and now i'm fattening myself up like a prize heifer. i don't wanna be full. i don't want my progress to go down the gutter. i. don't. want. to. feel. full.

12:28 am

i need a blade. i've been looking through desks and aroudn thr classrooms for pencil sharpeners laying around for the past week, but i can't find any.

my 15th birthday

10:00 pm

i'm fifteen today. school was normal, and no one remembered my birthday. i don't really know if it was a bad thing or not,well, i didn't want the whole class singing "happy birthday" to me or some jackshit like that, but one generic "happy birthday" from anyone would've been nice to say the least. i've been trying to turn in my missing grades from the last few weeks, and i'm glad i'm trying to actually pass to 10th grade.

years are running by way to quick in my opinion. i still remember starting the decade like it was yesterday. i was laying my head down on my pillow consumed in my thoughts while people on tv shouted "happy new year", probably the last time i'll ever hear so many people in one place without worrying about disease.

now that i'm fifteen, i'll try to let my parents get me a job, then a driver's permit if i'm lucky. i just want a job so i can make enough money to get out of here when i'm 18. i'll try to save ~20k dollars so i can move as far as i can. puerto rico's pretty cheap, but i dont wanna get my house flooded by a fucking hurricane, so i don't think i'll be staying there. big cities in the mainland us sound good to live in, but they're often quite expensive. towns in the midwest and south are pretty affordable, but you never know when you might find the fucking kkk or some shit like that. i vould go to alaska, but i'd literally freeze to death so nope. hawaii sounds nice, but i've heard its getting expensive over there. guam is in the middle of the fucking ocean so that's beyond great, but flights are expensive and the temperature there's scorching, not to mention how high the humidity is. well great, i guess i'll have to make myself choose a location in 3 years from now or whatever.

i also did a presentation at school and surprisingly enough it wasn't as sufferable as i thought it would be lol

5/24/21

7:47 am

the past four days have been more interesting than usual, to say the least. it was my sister's birthday on friday, and nothing really happened. my dad just went for cake and took her and my mom shopping and called it a day. i also started working on some projects i have due later this week. it's not a lot of progress, but it's better than nothing.

my 15th birthday is in two days and i just deel devastated around it. as i've mentioned before, getting older makes me panic and think about how i've wasted so much time, not to mention how nothing;s gotten better over that year too. i really don't wanna be fifteen. i feel like everything just gets harder as i age. more work, more expectations. ugh. i'll most liekly be forced to choose a degree or some shit for college sometime during 10th/11th grade and i know it's gonna be tiring. i remember having my school(s asking the whole class what career they'd like and i just said "i don't know" and to this day, i still don't. i still don't know what career i want or what the hell i want to do with the remainder of my life.

9:57 am

i need a blade. i can't stand being like this anymore. i need to cut. the relief may be temporary but i need it. i feel so burned out, i don't even feel motivated to do fucking art warm-ups at this point. my brain feels like it's rotting. it constantly hurts and i feel so spaced out. i have no future. i'm not going to college, and i'm not even sure if i'm finishing high school at all.i need to leave, but i can't. i don't wanna be a 25 year old basement dweller with crippling college debt. i don't want that. why did things end up like this? seeing all those millenials and older zoomers complain about their student loans and not being able to afford a house or even get a job makes me even more disillusioned in college. i wish it all ended rn. i sometimes wish someone would come and take me away from this mess, but that's never happening.

10:22 pm

if i were to kill myself today, i'd sneak off to the woods near the highway and slit my throat with a pencil blade and just lay. the woods are usually lonely, with a few homeless people here and there, so i wouldn't mind it if they stole whatever i had. if i could get someone to dissolve my body in acid that would be beyond perfect. i don't want anyone to find me dead or alive. i'd rather have my family think i'm alive somewhere than just dead. sure they may be cunts, but having a relative die would be too much for them. the only people i'd feel fully bad for would be my discord friends. i've known them for a while now, so just dissapearing would be too much for them.

my perfect plan to off myself would be: 1. deleting everything in my devices 2.booking a flight to a far-away place 3. get a gun 4. pay a narc or something to dispose of my body 5. boom. i;d finally be able to leave. i'd be able to not live enought to see the world crumble more thn it already has. i'd finally be free.

5/20/21

7:27 am

it didn't rain at all yesterday and now im back here at school ugh

yesterday my mom found my blade and we had a huge fight. it took her forever to leave me alone but i'm glad she eventually did.

i'm honestly sick of living in this run-down town. it peaked over half a century ago and now it's just a shell of what it once was. the downtown is dead, and the only building sticking out is a tall hotel that closed down over 35 years ago. i honestly feel bad for the old fucks who've lived here their whole lives. my worst nightmare is to live long enough to see everything i knew and loved go down to shit, but i'm glad that's never happening to me.

i need my phone back. i'm tired of spending 8 entire fucking hours at school playing snake on a cheap chromebook while everyone arounds me does their shit. i can't believe a fucking alarm name really made my dad take away my phone for eternity.

i'm tired of my parents always trying to see what i do on my computer and what i once did on my phone. it gets on my fucking nerves everytime. hell, i could be getting a bitch pregnant and those cunts would be glad i didn't fuck a dude or something. i always hate it when they sneak up behind me and try to see what i do. not only is it time consuming, it results in nothing. i always have some backup wikipedia tab or random youtube video, and i'm good at knowing when they come, so i get to switch the tabs on time.

1:54 pm

oh god some lady at lunch is passing out ids and i look like im on crack in the picture ugh, i hate how i look even more at this point. sometimes i wanna rip all my skin off and get a new one

every fucking day i realize more how there's something wrong with me. i should've realized long ago but it didn't start hitting me til this year. i always feel disconnected from reality and i just feel scared of people in general. why did i have to do to deserve this? i guess i'll never know.

3:10 pm

one thing that really fucks me up about the picture is that i don't look young anymore. i look like a fucking 23 yr old drug addict. one of my biggest fears is aging, and i fucking hate it. feeling all those years fly by with little to no improvement over my life is so fucking awful to feel. next thing i know i'll probably be 18 with my parents trying to get me to go to college or some shit like that.

5/18/21

10:16 pm

im back at school again, mostly because the weather is normal now; but apaprently school tomorrow got cancelled because the weather is going to be shitty again for the rest of the week. i hope it stays shut down for the rest of the week.

i sometimes think about the first time i saw real (uncensored) gore. it was early 2019 and i was in a discord server with my friend (we were both 12 at the time). he was dating some 15-16 year old belgian dude called thibeault who was into isis and some other weird shit. i didn't really do anything but see people argue over some unimportant shit then i suddenly find a channel with gore in it. it was relatively new, so it didn't have a lot in it. it had text messages and shit like that, but what got me was a beheading video someone put there. it was some dude in his 20s-30s getting his head cut off somewhere in the middle east, while there was other peoples' heads in the background floor. i still remember how shocked i was at the time. i tried skipping to the end so that i couldn't see the mess happen, but the dude actually got his head cut off at that time. it couldn't leave my mind for the next few days, and i didn't get back on discord for that same time. it may haver been traumatizing, but that was the first of dozens of shock videos that i'd find/see over the next 2 years.

12:28 pm

biology class was less than okay. my project partner didnt come to school bc he called a suicide hotline the other day again and now i have to do an entire project by myself. i was already sick and tired of the homework piling up as well as other shit and this obviously didn't make anything better.

5/17/21

6:59 pm

today was more intersting than usual, to say the least. it started raining like a bitch around 6 am, and it resultedin school getting cancelled around 11 am. i was glad tbh, but waiting ~45 minutes to get picked up (rain fucked up the traffick) was a huge pain in the ass. one of the local elementary schools got flooded to some extent and the wifi went out (in school) from 7 to 10 am.

5/14/21

9:07 am

i'm fully convinced that i won't be able to survive in the real world now

5/12/21

12:29 pm

it gets more tiring to live as each day passes

thinking about everything i could've been (both academically and socially) really gets to me sometimes. maybe i could've been in a huge friend group where no one does anything out of pity for me, or having grades that dpn't dissapoint my parents anytime. but i have to accept that it will never happen. i've tried to make things better many times and none ever worked, and i doubt trying again is gonna make much of a change tbh. but oh well. i don't know how much more i can take anymore, but who knows. i'm sure that living an adult life will be impossible for me, so i don't think i'll last for more than 3-5 years.

5/10/21

7:44 am

shit has gotten fucking worse. my parents argued all weekend and i ate too much, and to top it off, my mom got mad at me this morning and we argued for about 40 minutes. why? well, so my school posted that they were going to have a ceremony for the most improved and/or most attended students, and my mom was pissed that i wasn't on it. i used to get awards and shit too, but that was over half a decade ago and i've been burned out since. i wasn't really surprised over her getting mad, but she couldve used way better tactics to make me care more about school. she could've done some guil tripping shit or whatever like "i'm so dissapointed in you" instead of comparing me to people she thought were "dumb" and made it on the list. only about 20-30% of all students from my grade were on there, so she didn't even have to get mad at me to begin with.

5/7/21

6:02 pm

i thought this week couldn't get any worse, but boy it did. yesterday night my dad forcibly took away my phone while i was texting someone on discord, and i woke up with a jarring headache which couldn't even let me get up and go to school. but that's not the worst part of it. i had an alarm at 4 am which had "wake up faggot" in its notifications, and my dad saw it. he was fuming when he came home and had an argument with my mom, and basically used her and the internet as scapegoats. he also said that i was "beyond saving". i fucking hate it here. i better start getting used to eating low rations of food and sleeping in uncomfortable places in case the worst happens.

i genuinely don't understand why my dad's so fucking mad at me. he never had any real conversation with me, and just wasn't involved in my life at all. he was there, but he had as little impact as a fucking coffee table. i just wish i could move out already, but i'd most likely get arrested and put somewhere by the government. i definitely don't wanna be with my dad, but neither with my mom. she shares a lot of views with him, but she's less of a bitch. i've tried telling her that i don't wanna be with either of them and she just gets confused for some reason. i've never felt free in this house and i doubt i ever will. i can't go anywhere by myself without my parents being control freaks, and any person that has tried to talk to me would be seen as a bad influence by then. i understand that they wanted to keep me safe, but too much control and isolation just fucked me up. i started having dependencies on electronics and social media since i was 10, and never developed any social skills. i had a couple friends in elementary school, but now i'm sure they did it bc they felt bad for me. the closest thing i had to a real father figure was my 3rd grade teacher. he was in his mid-late 30s and treated me like i actually was something. our conversations never got deep, but it just felt nice to have someone to fill up that spot, even if it was temporary.

5/6/21

3:22 pm

i dont know if i fucked up or not. so, lunch was about to end. i was preparing to leave, and all of a sudden this random bitch comes over and says "hey can i sit here" i basically told her to go away (kinda) but i (think) overreacted and said "you literally have a whole ass friend group to be with just leave me the fuck alone" and just saw her leave. i know that may have sounded rude, but there has been too many fucking incidents where people have asked me out as a joke, and on top of that, i didn't really like her as a person overall.

5/5/21

7:26 am

i have a very important test (biology) today and i'm anything but excited. it's gonna be like 5 hours long, and the only shit i can do afterwards is read. the only books i have on me are lolita and the virgin suicides, but at least i'll have something to do. i barely know the people sitting around me but damn they're already a pain in the ass. i haven't spoken to them in years and i hope it stays like that. the teacher we got is usually chill and she'll probably let people sleep after the test ends, but that won't stop my ass cheeks from hurting like hell after sitting in the same fucking spot for over 5 hours, but on the bright side, we'll do no work for the remainder of the day.

5/4/21

7:32 am

i think i've been disassociating(?) too much now that i think about it. i often have these hazy thoughts and can't really process what's actuslly going on. for example, when i was in 6th grade 2 incidents (that i remember) happened. one of these incidents happened was when i was getting picked up from school. my dumbass walked right thru a knee-deep puddle and didn't understand why my mom was pissed at me until i was already at home. the other one was much serious. when i arrived to school, i felt hazy and c=honestly confused. i did some homework while sitting in a run-down, unoperational fountain (which has been removed since) then i walked over to my class. i thought everything was going fine until i realized that my fucking phone was missing. my parents were pissed at me when i came home, but it eventually showed up in the lost and found.

i haven't felt real in years now. everything around me seems so fake and unimportant. the last vivid memory i have of feeling "real" was in a duck duck goose game from when i went to summer school in 2014, which itself was already half my life ago. i really wonder how and why i ended up like this. did someone cause it? did one/both of my parents pass it on to me? i guess i'll never know.

5/3/21

8:05 am

holey fucking shit i'm barely in 1st period and my spanish teacher nearly caught me using my phone twice

4/30/21

1:26 pm

i feel so fucking overwhelmed right now. so, there's a volleyball game. the tickets were 3 dollars, and i got some out of peer pressure. it was supposed to be outside but since the weather was shit it's inside now. the gym is small as shit so a lot of people are crammed in the 2nd floor looking from the window. being around a lot of people makes me feel like shit.

4/29/21

7:29 am

i really wish that the world wasn't on fucking fire rn

8:53 am

i just had p.e an it was okay. the seniors were having volleyball practice in the gym, so my class had to go outside. it was humid as shit and full of mosquitoes, but at least i didn't really do anything. some people almost got in trouble for checking what time it was on their phones, and idk how the teacher knew. mf was like a million miles away too. anyways, after she realized that no one was really doing anything, we just played monkey in the middle. idk how to explain it so just look it up. some girl tripped while trying to kick a ball and i nearly got in trouble for laughing at her. i asked her if she was okay afterwards so idk.

there's going to be a volleyball game tomorrow during my last 2 classes, and i'm planning to get some tickets to skip them. it's not that they're boring (they are), i just need a distraction. my 9th period teacher is pretty chill but swears more often than an average teacher, while my 10th period teacher is a twink-looking millenial white dude who married some woman who looks like she's named asheleigh.

12:28

i'm so fucking tired. every fucking day i do the same fucking shit. i hate it here. last period i had biology. it's usually boring asf but that wasn't what happened. i was getting overwhelmed by all the work i have to do for that class(and other ones), but mostly because of everyone around me. it's so fucking tiring hearing everyone have different conversations about anything while i'm doing work by myself and having everyone pretend i'm not there. "just talk to someone" bitch i've tried to do that for years now and it just results in everything being awkward. in 8th grade i started sitting with 2 "friends". the table was normally FULL, but once i started sitting there, 70% of the fuckers that sat there moved away. it was so fucking awful dealing with that, but at least i didn't have to sit alone anymore (i do now). anyways, i went to the bathroom and considered cutting my thighs, but the thought of someone else walking in and thinking i was doing some other shit in the stall made me anxious, so i just did 6 small slits in the side of my wrist. i lowkey regret it though. now i can't reach for things without those little shits showing.

now that i think about it, if i cant even gp through fucking high school without feeling like shit, how am i supposed to survive in the real world? hell, i really wish my parents went to a therapist instead of deciding to breed and pass down their undiagnosed liabilities.

4/27/21

7:58 am

the only things keeping me alive are porn, wanting to see myself skinny, and pulling off my plan

4/26/21

7:47 am

if my plan in 3 years fails, i'll move to northern pennsylvania or somewhere far away from this place. hell , i might as well even move continents while i'm at it. there's various obstacles i have in order to pull of my plan in 3 years successfully. first of all, i'll be 17, which will make getting a ticket or even leaving my house w/o permission nearly impossible. second of all, if i make it to the airport, some staff would ask for my id and i'd be fucked. ugh. why couldn't i be born 1 month and a week earlier?

every single day i connect the dots and the kids who called me retarded in elementary school weren't probably wrong

4/21/21

2:10 pm

i hate nosy people so fucking much istg they can go jump off a cliff and get eaten up by vultures for all i fucking care

4/20/21

7:28 am

happy 22nd anniversary of columbine! :)

4/15/21

10:08 am

i just came back from the bathroom and someone walked in on me checking myself out in the mirror yikes

i've also been trying as hard as i can to eat less calories. my limit is currently 700 calories per day, but i dont see any changes in my weight (yet). i generally drink a glass of milk as breafast, eat nothing at school, go home and purge whatever i had to eat, eat a snack after, and drink some milk and cookies at night.

the most calories ive eaten since i started tracking my calories was 1,053 calories on 4/6/21, and the least calories ive eaten was 448 calories on 4/14/21 (yesterday).

i also don't know why, but im kinda hyped for the 22nd anniversary of columbine. maybe someone might act up somewhere in the country and make this month less boring than it already is.

12:29 pm

i almost got my phone taken away but i still have it

4/11/21

8:32 pm

thinking about all the pipelines i couldve gone down in scares me tbh

4/9/21

2:14 pm

i honestly wish i wasnt such a lazy piece of shit. i have a bunch of missing math assignments due today and i havent even written my name on them.

also prince philip died today lol

4/8/21

7:24 am

i fucked up my left tigh with a pencil sharpener yesterday night and honestly the pain is way less irritating than people treating me like a 9 year old out of pity.

i also started tracking my calories this tuesday. i'm glad i made it this far into it and i still haven't gotten caught. whenever i come home, my mom has to go pick up my sister from school, which takes about 30 minutes. that gives me the perfect chance to purge without anyone getting me in trouble.

waking up has so far been one of the worst times of the day for me. that feeling when you don'y feel sleepy and hazy and start to remember all the shit you have to do fucks with me a LOT. and what gets the most on my nerves is how short weekends are. two days out of the week to take a break from a 5 day week doesn't really seem worh it imo. and to top it off, most people spent ~18-24 hours sleeping on the weekend, so you really only get about 1 day to do your shit.

4/7/21

12:05 am

sorry for not updating anything for a while. the past 8 days got me really busy (for a number of reasons). my sister got sick and she eventually passed me over, which resulted in 3 long days of coughing and sneezing (it wasn't corona don't worry). the only good thing i got from that was missing one day of school. talking about school, we had to do a very important english test yesterday on our chromebooks, but the program crashed statewide so we had to do it today. it was fairly easy, but knowing myself, i probably got half of the questions wrong (not to mention that i didn't even try to do the essay.

i finsihed the test about an hour and thirty minutes ago, and now the class is waiting for out teacher to tell us what to do. everyone is talking about some mundane shit while i'm over here trying to fill out this entry without nobody seeing it. i honestly wished people talked to me more, but knowing that they'd do it out of pure pity makes me wanna vomit

3/31/21

7:25 am

the remainder of yesterday was honestly too embarrassing for me to tell here, but i'll do it anyways. shortly after i went inside the bathroom, some 10th grader went in to take a shit and obviously i had to leave so i wouldn't be seen as a fucking creep. when i went outside, i mostly stood next to the fence that separated school property with the woods. i was about 40-60 feet away from people. the wind was fucking up my hair and it was scorching hot. that didn't really bother me, but what broke the camel's back for me was when they all went to this one place (to get picked up, since school aready ended) and i just stood there like a fucking fool for 5-7? minutes until i checked the time and realized it was time to go.

7:42 am

i also finished reading the virgin suicides yesterday. it took me way less time than what i originally expected, but at least it was fun to read. the whole book itself was pretty bleak, but it gave me something to indulge in. reading a book in the remainder of class instead of doing nothing and just looking like a freak gave me some security.

the only person who talks to me in school at all just feels bad for me and that honestly makes me feel like absolute shit. i haven't had a genuine school friendship since 5th grade (he moved away) and even then i feel like he used me just to get his hands on my controllers. now back to the present. the guy who talks to me now is some annoying cunt who doesn't keep his mouth shut and is just one big liability to his friend group, but they keep him around for some reason. he's talked to me since 8th grade out of nothing else than fucking pity, and i doubt that's ever going to change. we've never had any real conversation, and i don't think we'll ever have one.

3/30/21

3:02 pm

all of the teachers in my grade are having a meeting so they jist clumped everyone in my grade into the gym and its a fucking mess.

im sitting next to some perm-haired freaks and god they're such a pain in the ass

3:21 pm

everyone just went somewhere and im lost. omg i feel like elisa lam rn

3:28 pm

turns out they all went outside. i did end up going outside as well but its too fucking hot so i just said i was gonna go take a shit and went inside

3/29/21

8:55 am

my P.E. teacher took everyones weight and height today, and overall im pretty disappointed in myself. im still pretty short (5'9) but i fucking gained weight. it may have only been two pounds, but the fact that i still managed to gain weight fucking disgusts me.

3/23/21

1:16 pn

today so far has been boring. i woke up, went to school, and felt anxious.

some dude went in to give a speech yesterday during 9th period and it was okay. he just spoke about how drugs were bad and how they ruined his life yada yada yada and shit people tell kids since theyre 6. but hey, at least everyone got to skip a period.

3/22/21

8:25 am

the fact that i have to be here (school) for 8 hours for 5 days every week is fucking exhausting

12:34 am

i feel so repulsed my myself right now

3/18/21

6:53 pm

my sistee found my book and now it's a matter lf time before that little bitch snitches on me

3/14/21

10:26 pm

i still think about an "aesthetic" or feeling i felt when first moved here/(dec 2013) it was empty, white bedrooms, regular show, 15-25 year olds, and early 2010s fashion before it died out. it just makes me feel so at home, but it makes me feel like im somewhere else at the same time. maybe it was because i felt free and didn't really have anything to care about. i want to feel it again just like the first time, but i doubt its happening anytime soon.

there's just something about that era, yes the world was still going downhill and the camel's back was breaking, but seeing people not care about anything in their lives and have as much fun as they can before becoming wageslaves and not fitting in with younger people anymore just gives me an idea of what i thought what lifr would be like when i was older, but many things have changed and its simply never going to be the same again.

3/13/21

8:11 pm

i just finished refurbishing some parts of my site, and i feel kinda good about it. today has been normal? (i guess).

i ordered the virgin suicides (a book) on amazon a few days ago and it finally came in. i had to sneak it inside my house and as of now it's hidden under my mattress. i plan to read it in school when im bored as shit when i go back. i watched the movie over a year ago, but i suppose that the book covers more information not included in the movie.

i also had (online) tutorials again from 10 to 12. no one really paid attention to the teacher and basically me and some girl were the main ones reading the story, while everyone else either didn't do anything or just didn't show up at all. i honestly feel bad for my teacher, but at least she didn't get mad or anythhing. just a little bit dowm

8:39 pm

seeing someone you knew bring down people to the lowest level of depravity down with them is one of the most indescribable pains i've ever felt

3/12/21

12:32

i genuinely don't want to experience the future. nothing good is happening and everything's going down to hell. the world is burning up (quite literally), and there's more wars to come, among other unfortunate events.

1:32 pm

an ant(s?) was jn ny hand out of fucking nowhere and i threw it. i fucking hate ants(red ones,mostly).

3:05 pm

im currently at a kickball game my school organized. i bought a ticket for it a few days ago. its just teachers getting fucked ober by some seniors. nothing important to see, but seeing everyone around me socialize and do way better than me overall makes me freak out. i did a few slits on the skin under my thumb(not my palm) in the bathroom and went back outside. things are getting boring and people are slowly coming back inside, one by one.

3:27 pm

everyone went back inside and there's no order honestly. there's people here and there, and who knows what the fuck else. i walked around the top floor for about 10 minutes before settling down in the cafeteria.

3/10/21

9:47 am

the last days have been unmotivating and painfully boring. i need to leave. there's no happiness in my teenage years as they're going down the drain, and nothing (besides getting the money to leave) seems worth it.

there's nothing to live for in this world anymore. it's just people eating each other alive to prove who's better and shit. honestly, i feel like the world is out to get me. everyone around me seems suspicious and idk why. i guess im too paranoid or something.

10:07 am

i also decided to stop cutting. not because i want to, but because it's getting warmer and that means i have to wear shorts instead of sweatpants at home, which results in chances of me getting caught extremely high. my scars aren't really that bad imo, its just normal horizontal slits and a few x's and a heart in my thighs.

3/5/21

10;06

god how i hate these faggots

3/3/21

11:14 am

i just finished an essay I had to do and im otherwise pretty unamused.

i cut in the bathroom an hour ago with a pencil sharpener I found yesterday and it's honestly the best blade ive ever had. i dont even have to try for blood to come out anymore, but now i have to deal with blood bleeding through my jeans.

3:45 pm

holy shit i haven't been outside for so long that my eyes hurt like a bitch whenever i ser sunlight

3/1/21

7:25 am

i have a huge biology test today and i just know my ass is gonna hurt a lot by the tume school ends

I also found the scissors i used to cut with and the screwdriver i used to take it apart and took them to school (in my pencil case ofc). i might cut in the bathroom later but who knows.

2/26/21

1;25 pm

something that REALLY bugs me is how I'll be 18 in MAY 2024, and i want to carry out my plan in april. i dont fucking know how ill be able to get out of here knowing my state's strict ass laws regarding runaways and how my parents would be pissed as fuck. i think i might try to convince my parents but considering that'd be about 1> month away from my highschool graduation, they'd most likely say no. ugh. once i get the money i need ill try sneaking in one of those big buses and try to go to denver; id have to keep an eye out for cops and shit though. honestly, why the fuck couldn't i be born at least 2 months earlier? i feel like the world wants to fuck me over on purpose sometimes.

2:51 pm

i dont feel real anymore

2/25/21

1:25 pm

the past 2 weeks have been both uneventful and somewhat eventful but it was long anyways. it "snowed" here for the first time in 4 years and it was honestly underwhelming. my house has no heating and it was fucking freezing, not to mention all the times the lights went out and shit.

2/11/21

12:16 am

so far this day has been boring as usual. i went to the principals office to get my chromebook checked and shit and i got a temporary one for now. i also just finished doing my biology test. it was quite easy but i honestly would've flunked it if i didnt study a few hours ago.

1:34 pm

it's lunch once again, im terrified as usual, but slowly getting used to it.

2/10/21

1:20 pm

its lunch again, but nobody could go outside because its raining. i don't really mind rain but i hate how everyone is crammed in here and everyone can see each other. it completely removes that sense of privacy i had whenever it was outside. i hate how everyone treats me like im not able to understand basic human interactions. im so glad this will end one day, but im not sure when.

i also forgot to do my fucking geometry homework. if a dude who said hed pass me the answers earlier doesn't do shit, ill guess on it. i know it sucks, but this is what i get for being a lazy cunt whore.

out of all the 10 periods i have in school, lunch is the most degrading one. seeing how everyone socializes and shit while i complain about it is ass. ugh. i hate how people look at me. i can't stand it. its like having dozens of eyes reminding me how inferior i am.

2/9/21

10:20 am

so far my day has been complete shit. my fucking chromebook screen broke and now my school's forcing me to pay 100$ for it. i didn't even break it on purpose. i was charging it in gym then ig someone's backpack leaned over on top of it and cracked the screen. honestly this fucking sucks. my parents are gonna kill me and tell me shit ove heard from them millions of times again.

1:45 pm

its lunch again and it's fucking boring as usual. hopefully geometry isnt as boring, but we all know the answer lmfao

2/8?/21

1:22 pm

its lunch again and as usual nothing important fucking happens. nothing happening isn't necessarily bad but it isnt necessarily good either. im not getting stomped on (figuratively ofc) but im alone as shit and just trying to live. ive been trying to write down my classrooms numbers because ive getting lost a lot lately. i missed my 7tj class's number but that class is the easiest one to find anyways.

also holy fucking shit the dude who made fun of me in 7th grade came over and is currently sitting next to me. im currently scared ass shit but i hope it doesnt last long.

i really hoped he'd change when he "apologized" but shit, he stayed the fucking same. idk why he's like that, but being a piece of shit won't make him stop being as tall as a doorstop.

im still thinking over the funky town video. basically a dude got his hands cut off, got his face and upper chest skinned, and was getting his throat slit cut with a box cutter while funky town played in the background. ot was scary as shit at first, but i kept watching out of curiosity. i just hope he's in a better place now or something.

1:34 pm

he finally fucking left and phew i feel relieved as shit now

2/5/21

2:00 pm

i honestly cant wait for school to fucking end

3:49 pm

im currently waiting to get picked up outside of schools and its cold & humid as shit. i hope im home asap.

2/4/21

1:21 pm

it's lunch rn and it's windy as shit outside. the sound is kinda annoying but otherwise its just relaxing.

i honestly need anxiety medications. i i can't handle being at school with the constant worry of getting fucked over. not to mention that my intestines act up and act as a fucking laxative.

i wish i could go home this very moment.i cant stand being in here. i dont belong here. if i had the courage to skip school or anything i wanted maybe my life wouldn't be ad shitty.

having no one to talk to sucks ass. waiting through hours and hours of hopeless anxiety is one of the worst things ive endured. if i was old enough to drop out of school i would gladly do so.

i hope everything goes fine when i finally carry out my plan in 2024. my goal is to reach 2k-5k dollars in order to afford leaving. i just fucking hope that my parents dont call the cops and declare me as missing or something. i mean id be 18. id finally be free, but my parents would try to convince me to go to college if not force me to go. anyways as i was saying, im gonna get a part-time job somewhere or sell my thins online to make the money. ill tell my parents its for a car loan or something. i just want my misery to end.

2/3/21

1:25 pm

its my first real day of school and i feel like shit. all i did was sit for hours and try not to get anxiety attacks as everyone walked around me in the hallways. it's currently lunchtime rn and im outside. im stranding by a tree whule tryiny not to think of everyone else's opinions. i just want tongo home, but i had this coming. even if I didn't fail my classes, id still have to go back to real school sooner or later.

1:46 pm

its been 20 minutes of this shit and im honestly terrified

2/1/21

4:40 pm

the last few weeks have been exhausting, both physically and mentally to me. my dumbass is still failing school and my sleep schedules destroyed. this is just the main thing thats been happening though.

ive been having some otherwise strange dreams lately as well. the most vivid one i remember happened roughly 3-4 days ago. it was 6 pm and i passed out on the couch. it was normal and all until i saw nothing besides a huddled woman. she didn't move at all and made these extremely loud chants. it felt so real i couldn't sleep any better for the next feew days. i then had sleep paralysis 2 times, then "woke up" just to realize i was still asleep. i eventually got up though, and pretended nothing happened.

in other words, my main discord account got banned after 2 and a half years of use. i'll try to appeal later today but ill be on my new account for now, which is in my about-me page.

1/19/21

9:00 pm

sorry for not being active for so long. the past week has been excruciating for me. my sleep schedule's fucked and im doing awful at school.

i honestly wish i wasnt so fucking sensitive, or that i had a social life at least. the only close friend i had before joining neocities was a 12 yr old who was problematic on discord for fun with me. i was in a gc w some other people but i never get close w them at all. i feel like they secretly disliked me or something similar. i'm honestly tired of this shit.

i honestly wish i wasnt born or died early at least. i hate everything about myself. my speech is so fucking slurred that i have to repeat everything i say 3 fucking times for someone to understand (tysm dad) and large eyes (thx mom); this isnt even a full list and i already feel frustrated w these features. i'm honestly glad i'll never have kids. i already get pissed of easily and there's a high chance i have a couple of undiagnosed mentail illnesses, so having kids would be fucking unethical at that point. if only my grandma didnt pressure my mom into having kids maybe i wouldnt be dealing with all this shit.

ive also started to go on 4chan more; i go on it once every few days and lurk, but that's an defintely increase from before nonetheless

1/11/21

8:10 pm

i dont feel safe anymore. i feel like if someone or something is coming after me. i won't survive in the real world. even if i dont do it, i'll probably be working at some dead-end job living somewhere like this, or homeless. i'm still tihnking about how i'll orchestrate my plan in 2024. if i have a car by my 18th birthday, i'll run away in it in my 18th birthday. yes leaving everything behind will be sad and shit but at least everything wold finally come to an end. i must do it. i dont even want to think of all the shit that could happen by the end of the century. the future doesn't seem very pretty and everything just seems to be going downhill.

1/6/21

12:00 pm

i honestly wouldnt be surprised if i turn out to be a fucking aspie or something like that

5:20 pm

i took a 3-4 hour nap and had some strange ass dreams. the one i remember the most was one in which i was in a bathroom (it looked like a psych ward bathroom) after running in it. it was in my house for some reason and it looked way cleaner than it usually does. eventually my teeth started falling out then i woke up.

12/31/20

3:50 pm

my dad just called me a faggot for having an ed

12/28/20

9:00 pm

i ate some pizza yesterday night and i feel fucking disgusting. i shhouldve purged that shit when i had the chance. if i wanna accomplish anything before i die, it would be to be 33kg. i know it may sound too low but its my fucking body and it only affects me. no one gets to tell me what to do with it. being 33kg is a dream to me. i'd finally feel happy about how i look. i know there's people who dont like being skinny or whatever but it's me who's gonna be skinny. i dont give 2 shits about the side effects. i dont plan to live long anyways.

i hate how being fat is being normalized for anyone. its not fucking healthy and it makes anyone look horrendous. i'm 160 pounds and its disgusting. i hate how people used to tell me shit like "ur alrdy skinny" at school and shit when they knew damn well i was a fat ass piece of shit faggot. i hope i learn to control my urges and lose weight without my mom finding out and forcing me to eat again. idk why she does that but she gets pissed off whenever i say im not hungry before dinner. she thinks the internet is making me "anorexic" when it's just me wanting to have actual fucking control over my body. im tired of being like this. being overweight in general is disgusting. if i dont reach my goal by the time i do it, can i please be cremated so i'd be light for at least once in eternity?

12/27/20

4:20 am

i don't know if i have to write this but i guess i have to before I forget it again. one time during a big math test in school i fell asleep after it ended and i had an extremely peculiar dream. i was basically still face down in my desk as everything around me turned black and a man in a suit appeared in front of me. i dont really remember the rest but i tried my best to not look at him. it just felt so real. i eventually woke up and went on with my day as if nothing had happened.

anyways im relating to a mass murderer and idk how to feel. basically about a year ago my smarty pants piece of shit self was going through wikipedia and shit and found out about the montreal école polytechnique massacre. at first i was like "well that sucks" then i proceeded to go into the perpetrator's site and holy shit. we both had no friends during school and were bullied at school and whatever, but no 2 things are the same. his dad was 2948282 times more deadbeat than mine and his sister was one hell of a bitch. but anyways, he killed 14 women before himself. ngl I don't really sympathize with women anymore but damn they didnt deserve that lmfao

12/23/20

6:20 pm

well today was mostly boring until recently. my grades came in and well im fucked. i got 30s-50s and nothing beyond that. my parents are planning to take away most of my shit so i'll most likely be left only with my school chromebook and my 3ds until i get anything over a 75 in my subjects. i could continue to update this site on my chromebook but i dont want my school to know what im planning to do for obvious reasons, and the browser in my 3ds is outdated, so don't expect to hear much from me from today.

i also did an angel number thing out of pure curiosity and i got 3/33/333. idk wtf it means but in general the number 3/33/333 has looked interesting to me, but who knows why.

also my parents are fighting again lolsies

4:05 am

its 4 am rn so i though it'd be nice to write down what happened after 6. basically my dad said that my mom, sister, and i are/might move back into my mom's honetown. i wanna quit school and live by myself but my dad gave me a whole ass lecture over how I'd regret not finishing school and how it'd be impossible for me to sustain a family. first of all, who the fuck said i want a family? the main reason I don't want one is to not be like you dad. you're everything i don't want to be. second of all, I'd just support myself. i don't need a family to live.

then my dad went to take a shower and my mom talked to me more about not being able to sustain a family. she told me that my grandma from my dad's side never learned to keep her legs closed and that my grandpa's pullout skills where shit, so as a result they had too much children and couldn't afford shit for them. most never finished school and married off early, but didn't have that much kids. i don't understand why i have to know this. i used to feel bad for my grandma when she died but now i don't give 2 shits about that dead slag considering how she was most likely a homophobic prick. honestly i'm pretty sure they still think i have a shot in life, but who the fuck is getting them out of that denial? lmao i hope they dont cry too much or whatever when i do it.

12/21/20

5:00 pm

i sure hope the world finally ends today

12/19/20

6:10 pm

ngl, i still miss him (the dude i used to talk to during the summer). it kinda hurts but i just had to let him go for one last time. we were good friends but he was 7 years older than me, so i understand why he had to go. i just hope hes doing fine or something, but i hope we meet again sometime later (if i havent roped).

ive been trying a little bit harder for school lately. yes i still have missing assignments but at least my grades are getting slightly higher, and lets hope it stays that way.

12/17/20

4:00 pm

ive been feeling an extreme sense of melancholy the past few weeks. mostly because i just found out about how the world lies to you about fucking everything and whatnot. ive just felt disconnected from anything.

i honestly hate how much of a lazy ass cunt i am. i'm most likely going to fail 9th grade and i dont give 2 shits about that, but my parents would get angry as shit. i'm so tired of being in this same spot for eternity, and by spot i mean doing schoolwork and missing out on teenage experiences. i wish i could just drop out and leave this hellhole of a town but unfortunately that's not the case. but if it was real, it'd be bliss. i'd most likely drive around the country in a car with no real purpose, and i don't see anything bad with that. i just wanna be free for once. but i have to accept that it will never happen. i'd be forced to finish school and go to college, just to then go slavewage my life away.

also why the fuck is the 25th anniversary of columbine one month before i turn 18? i wanted to go there just to walk around the woods and city but ig that wont happen. i dont wanna continue school ngl. ive always felt anxious and inferior in it and i dont think it's ever gonna work out for me. i cant believe my teachers in 3rd grade said i was gifted bc i read at an 8th grade level and look how im ending up 💀💀💀. this world wasnt made for me and i wasnt made for this world. it's that simple.

9:00 pm

the concept of aging makes me sick. i'm turning 15 in may and i hate it. 15 sounds too old for me. i wanna be young. thinking about this makes me wanna rip my insides out. everyone around me will be getting older too and i cant process that. i dont want this type of change. it'll just symbolize another year full of potential thrown away into the garbage can. im so glad i wont age much after that though. as soon as i turn 18 (pr a few months before perhaps) i will be able to get myself out of this reality and go somewhere i actually need to be. i just wasn't meant to exist here.

12/16/20

9:10 pm

i really dont deserve to live

12/10/20

8:00 pm

ill never make it in the real world. im too much of a pussy and everyone will take advantage of me and treat me like fucking shit. im tired of this. i cant take it any longer.

about an hour ago someone told me to add them on discord, which i regretfully did. he basically added me into a groupchat and everyone shit-talked me. it didnt last long but it made me feel like shit. i hate knowing that in real life i wont be able to just leave like that and that id actually have to deal with it. living fucking sucks.

im the lowest of the low. i cant take shit. i just wasnt made for this world. ill never survive in it. its too fucked up, and there's no way to deny that. pointless wars, genocides, and abuse have always happened and wont stop happening. i wish dying was like falling asleep and never waking up.

12/2/20

6:20 pm

i cant wait to kill myself. i cant take this shit anymore. im a fucking failure. i don't deserve to live. i don't have any aspirations for life. i dont know what im doing after highschool.

11/30/20

9:00 pm

im sorry but 1967 ted kaczynski can have it anytime

11/29/20

it's midnight and they day just began. ive been feeling incredibly empty these past few days. ive spent the past 2 years doing nothing on the internet. every single day I've waited for my friends on discord to talk. I've wasted so much time doing this shit. i cant take it any longer.

i wish i had 10 million dollars. i know it sounds like a lot, but id be able to live off the rest of my life in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with bo disturbances. yes id be alone, but at least i wouldn't have to worry about everyone judging me. i cant survive int this world. i either have to die or disappear. id adopt some dogs or cats so i wouldn't be as lonely. now about kids. ive always wanted to be a father but im just not good enough. nobody needs a mentally ill schizoid as a father. i don't wanna ruin someones childhood. i got all my parents' worst traits and i wouldn't even want to think what i would do. i already get pissed off easily a lot, and on top of that my sensitivities allow the whole world to stomp on me. not to mention that the world is an awful place and living in it isnt worth it anymore. im not good enough and ill never be. not for anyone. not even for myself.

11/21/20

its midnight and i feel like shit. a guy i talked to on discord since july dropped me without telling ne shit. i honestly didn't expect him do to that now. if it was someone else i wouldn't feel as bad. there was just something in him that filled up something inside me. he surely wasn't like the other ones. he didn't treat me like shit; none of my friends treated me like shit but he was just the best out of the whole bunch. he had something no one i ever met had. he was confident and did a lot of jokes whenever we spoke. he just made me feel in place. but that doesn't matter now. there will always be a special place for him in my heart and i doubt ill forget about him, but who fuckin knows. we were just friends, but he was one of the most outstanding ones. hope he's doing well in college.

okay, i don't feel as bad now and I'll explain why i havent been around so much. my life is fucking boring and nothing that happened wasn't really worth writing an entry about.

4:00 AM

ive known this for a while but ig itd be nice to tell someone about this. during the past few months ive been recollecting memories and shit from my childhood. i dont know what this means but i hope its just a strange way of flashing through my life. i just want my misery to end. it feels so scary getting old. i could be 25 in a few seconds. i do wanna grow up but I don't at the same time. ive forced myself to grow up since i was 8. i stopped watching cartoons at 11 and stopped doing coloring books and other shit like that around the same time. i actually regret forcing myself to grow up too fast but what is done cannot be undone. i must end all of this. ageing in this world isn't gonna be pretty.

11:40 pm

i feel empty. i still miss him but that's just one of the many things i have to worry about. i ate four slices of pizza and i feel like a fucking whale. i need to purge again. yes i know it fucks up my insides but id rather be hot and live a short life than die old and ugly.

also, the keyboard on my computer broke. i didn't hit it after losing a game or anything (i'm not a white boy) but i think it was time. and by time i mean four years. well it was nice having it. lowkey glad it survived getting coke spilled on it among other things. rip 2017-2020.

11/11/20

my parents have gone like 3? days without fighting. i think thats a good thing but idk

i also found the scissors i cut with after losing them for a while. turns out my mom found it and put it in her drawer. i'll leave it there to avoid suspicion.

i'm also doing slightly better at school. it's boring as fuck but at least im turning in more assignments than last week.

i wish i dropped dead right fucking now.

i MUST to do it. people like never make it in the real world. i'd rather be dead (and i will be) than to be a fucking wage slave while having nothing to live for. i'll never get to settle down no matter how hard i try. "winning" simply just won't happen. i'm still thinking about how i'll do it. i'm going to travel to somewhere and live in a cheap-ass motel for a few days. i want to off myself in a painless way but idk how.

11/10/20

my mom almost walked into me cutting, but i feel kinda relieved now tho.

11/9/20

i cant wait to do it. ill finally be free. i dont even feel inside my body anymore. once i get the money, im set to do it. its going to be worth it. ill feel bad for anyone i hurt, but it just had to happen. once i die, i want my body to be cremated. at least id be skinny for once.

I dont think people mean it when they "compliment" me anymore. people have only told those to me just because they feel bad for me or they dont know wtf im trying to say. ive been hit with shit like "bro that's cool" over and over then i just realize that they simply don't care. i don't think anyone ik irl understands me. i cant wait to end this circle of shit.

11/5/20

this world is too fucked up for me. no matter when or where, there's always something that will make you feel like youve fallen into a pit of spikes. why do people kill each other? why do people go down the lowest level of human depravity? this is something i will never understand.

i might do it sooner. i know it might ruin the whole 2024 plan but i feel as if i were decaying, both physically and mentally.

6:00 pm

i woke up from a 3 hour nap at 5. i didn't even realize i'd fallen asleep. i literally dreamed the whole weekend and it was sunday morning to me when i woke up. i felt worry-less and calmed, even though i remembered EVERYTHING shortly after.

another thing that popped up lately is my (ex) friend alex. it's been months and i've kinda recognized that it was kinda my fault he left. my humor was really immature and i felt like i made him think that i didn't care about him enough. oh well. i hope he's doing better now though.

11/5/20

i've never felt so dissapointed in life before. i'm nothing but a lazy, skank, bitch whore. and i guess i don't have anyone to blame but myself. i have an art assignment due today and i haven't done shit. i wish i didn't exist. i wasn't made to exist, let alone live in this shitty world.

i'm planning to save up money once i get a job to do the "2024 plan". i'm basically going to travel somewhere without my parents knowing shortly after i turn 18, then i can just kill myself or at least get off the radar. i've heard spirit airlines are about as cheap as my dad, but the overall quality's shit. i still haven't decided where i want to go, but i want it to be somewhere peaceful, like a field in the middle of nowhere. i just imagine myself bleeding do death by plants and nature itself.

if i go through whith my plan, i don't want anyone to find me. the last thing i want is to be put on those ghetto ass clouds. yuck. i'd rather give my family the false hope that i'm still alive and that it;s not over yet. i don't want them to hurt, but i deserve this.

i could d this sooner, (16 or 17) but i don't want a massive manhunt to find me. if i want anything, i just want to be at peace for once and forever.

11/4/20

it's 7 pm and my parents are fighting again. it's tiring at this point. if i had legal responsability of myself i would've left MONTHS ago, but unfortunately thats not the case. i wanna get at least 1 last thing from my dad's guilt money before my parents (might) divorce/separate. i just want something to play animal crossing:new leaf on so i wanna get a 2ds xl, which are like 100$ now.

another thing i've been thinkking about lately is my future. i don't have any aspirations in life and i dont feel like school's doing it for me anymore. i'm planning to move,get a dead-end job, and make sure my family doesn't know anything about what happened to me, then i can just kms peacefully. i'd feel bad for my online friends though, but most of my online relationships don't last any more than 2 years.

OR i could just pull a sol pais and travel to a place ive longed to visit and just do it. it sounds dumb but do other people's reactions matter when ur nothing but a piece of dying flesh and bones on the floor?

11/3/20

today's been okay so far. a friend and i had a convo over how a war might happen within 20 years and shit. i also have at least 7 missed assignments for school. i hate my lazy ass. also if you haven't noticed, i re-arranged my diary so neocities stop being a bitch. i also saw a 20 minute doc on the murder of elizabeth olton. yes i feel bad for her, but why would alyssa DOCUMENT it on her diary, besides the wall scribbles. i guess being crazy makes you dumber to some extent.

i'm still thinking about the whole sol pais thing to this day. her html skills were goals. i wonder how no one around her (family and most people she knew) didn't know about the thing she was planning to do. i'm glad she didn't hurt anyone, but i'm mostly glad no one stopped her and how she died the way she wanted to die.

11/2/20

looking back on yesterday's entry made me realize that i'm a little too rough on my parents, but that doesnt make them any better. my dad took away my phone so i dont stay up all night, so i added a few songs onto my ds's sd card.

11/1/20

i know no one asked but here's some traumacore art i did a few days ago.

10/31/20

my head feels like it's about to explode

10/29/20

it was surprisingly more calm than i thought it'd be. i was anxious at first, but im lucky i got in a class with people im not scared of. i was there from 12 pm to 3:45 pm, i didn't use the internet afterwards because i felt exhausted.

10/28/20

i have to do an hours-long test at school in 30 minutes. i'm insanely terrified because of the people i might see and how everyone will look down on me again.

10/27/20

i don't know why but goign through my classmates' profiles on social media or teams (the thing we're doing online school in) i feel this huge flow of anxiety and fear go through my body. maybe it's because my akward piece of shit self made a fool of myself in the past few years and now no one really sees me as equal. whenever i do fucking ANYTHING (like giving a presentation) they clap at me and congratulate me as if i were an autistic kid who finally peed without spreading that shit everywhere. it makes me feel inferior and humiliated. this is definitely one of the main reasons why i want to drop out of school and start my own life. i don't care about my teenage years and my "prime". i already know i will never be able to enjoy those years because of the shit that happens to me.

[removed]

i also took the dante's hell thing.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repending Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8 - The Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

i personally do believe in hell and christianity (sorry if this brought up trauma or something idk), despite being pretty agnostic. i hope im forgiven for whatever i did once i do it in a few years or so.

10/26/20

its 10:36 pm and im fucking crying my parents are fucking fighting again and i cant stand this.my dad keeps calling my mom a fucking whore even though she didnt do SHIT.

this hellhole began a few months ago. one day my dad came back from work all pissed and claimed that my mom had an affair with a coworker. i thought it'd stop but it just got worse and worse. one time my dad grabbed her so hard she got bruises in her arms. the next day she was rightfully disappointed at me for not defending her. im not gonna lie, i DID want to defend her but im too much of a pussy.

eventually the fighting "calmed" down then eventually today happened. my mom says she wants to go back to her hometown when the school year ends, but my dad keeps threatening her by saying how hes gonna tell all her family members about how much of a whore she "is". she has literally been loyal to him since they married in 2002. I don't understand what made my dad think if this bullshit. my mom gave up her job and a handful of close friends to become a housewife. she never left the house without my dad or with me and my sister. if my parents DO get divorced, i don't wanna be with either of them. i personally wish to be emancipated so i can get a full-time job and support myself.