its 10:36 pm and im fucking crying my parents are fucking fighting again and i cant stand this.my dad keeps calling my mom a fucking whore even though she didnt do SHIT.
this hellhole began a few months ago. one day my dad came back from work all pissed and claimed that my mom had an affair with a coworker. i thought it'd stop but it just got worse and worse. one time my dad grabbed her so hard she got bruises in her arms. the next day she was rightfully disappointed at me for not defending her. im not gonna lie, i DID want to defend her but im too much of a pussy.
eventually the fighting "calmed" down then eventually today happened. my mom says she wants to go back to her hometown when the school year ends, but my dad keeps threatening her by saying how hes gonna tell all her family members about how much of a whore she "is". she has literally been loyal to him since they married in 2002. I don't understand what made my dad think if this bullshit. my mom gave up her job and a handful of close friends to become a housewife. she never left the house without my dad or with me and my sister. if my parents DO get divorced, i don't wanna be with either of them. i personally wish to be emancipated so i can get a full-time job and support myself.
i don't know why but goign through my classmates' profiles on social media or teams (the thing we're doing online school in) i feel this huge flow of anxiety and fear go through my body. maybe it's because my akward piece of shit self made a fool of myself in the past few years and now no one really sees me as equal. whenever i do fucking ANYTHING (like giving a presentation) they clap at me and congratulate me as if i were an autistic kid who finally peed without spreading that shit everywhere. it makes me feel inferior and humiliated. this is definitely one of the main reasons why i want to drop out of school and start my own life. i don't care about my teenage years and my "prime". i already know i will never be able to enjoy those years because of the shit that happens to me.
i also took the dante's hell thing.The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
|Purgatory (Repending Believers)||Low|
|Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)||Very Low|
|Level 2 (Lustful)||Low|
|Level 3 (Gluttonous)||Moderate|
|Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)||Moderate|
|Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)||Very High|
|Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)||Very Low|
|Level 7 (Violent)||Very High|
|Level 8 - The Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)||High|
|Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)||Moderate|
i personally do believe in hell and christianity (sorry if this brought up trauma or something idk), despite being pretty agnostic. i hope im forgiven for whatever i did once i do it in a few years or so.
i have to do an hours-long test at school in 30 minutes. i'm insanely terrified because of the people i might see and how everyone will look down on me again.
it was surprisingly more calm than i thought it'd be. i was anxious at first, but im lucky i got in a class with people im not scared of. i was there from 12 pm to 3:45 pm, i didn't use the internet afterwards because i felt exhausted.
my head feels like it's about to explode
i know no one asked but here's some traumacore art i did a few days ago.
looking back on yesterday's entry made me realize that i'm a little too rough on my parents, but that doesnt make them any better. my dad took away my phone so i dont stay up all night, so i added a few songs onto my ds's sd card.
today's been okay so far. a friend and i had a convo over how a war might happen within 20 years and shit. i also have at least 7 missed assignments for school. i hate my lazy ass. also if you haven't noticed, i re-arranged my diary so neocities stop being a bitch. i also saw a 20 minute doc on the murder of elizabeth olton. yes i feel bad for her, but why would alyssa DOCUMENT it on her diary, besides the wall scribbles. i guess being crazy makes you dumber to some extent.
i'm still thinking about the whole sol pais thing to this day. her html skills were goals. i wonder how no one around her (family and most people she knew) didn't know about the thing she was planning to do. i'm glad she didn't hurt anyone, but i'm mostly glad no one stopped her and how she died the way she wanted to die.
it's 7 pm and my parents are fighting again. it's tiring at this point. if i had legal responsability of myself i would've left MONTHS ago, but unfortunately thats not the case. i wanna get at least 1 last thing from my dad's guilt money before my parents (might) divorce/separate. i just want something to play animal crossing:new leaf on so i wanna get a 2ds xl, which are like 100$ now.
another thing i've been thinkking about lately is my future. i don't have any aspirations in life and i dont feel like school's doing it for me anymore. i'm planning to move,get a dead-end job, and make sure my family doesn't know anything about what happened to me, then i can just kms peacefully. i'd feel bad for my online friends though, but most of my online relationships don't last any more than 2 years.
OR i could just pull a sol pais and travel to a place ive longed to visit and just do it. it sounds dumb but do other people's reactions matter when ur nothing but a piece of dying flesh and bones on the floor?
i've never felt so dissapointed in life before. i'm nothing but a lazy, skank, bitch whore. and i guess i don't have anyone to blame but myself. i have an art assignment due today and i haven't done shit. i wish i didn't exist. i wasn't made to exist, let alone live in this shitty world.
i'm planning to save up money once i get a job to do the "2024 plan". i'm basically going to travel somewhere without my parents knowing shortly after i turn 18, then i can just kill myself or at least get off the radar. i've heard spirit airlines are about as cheap as my dad, but the overall quality's shit. i still haven't decided where i want to go, but i want it to be somewhere peaceful, like a field in the middle of nowhere. i just imagine myself bleeding do death by plants and nature itself.
if i go through whith my plan, i don't want anyone to find me. the last thing i want is to be put on those ghetto ass clouds. yuck. i'd rather give my family the false hope that i'm still alive and that it;s not over yet. i don't want them to hurt, but i deserve this.
i could d this sooner, (16 or 17) but i don't want a massive manhunt to find me. if i want anything, i just want to be at peace for once and forever.
this world is too fucked up for me. no matter when or where, there's always something that will make you feel like youve fallen into a pit of spikes. why do people kill each other? why do people go down the lowest level of human depravity? this is something i will never understand.
i might do it sooner. i know it might ruin the whole 2024 plan but i feel as if i were decaying, both physically and mentally.
i woke up from a 3 hour nap at 5. i didn't even realize i'd fallen asleep. i literally dreamed the whole weekend and it was sunday morning to me when i woke up. i felt worry-less and calmed, even though i remembered EVERYTHING shortly after.
another thing that popped up lately is my (ex) friend alex. it's been months and i've kinda recognized that it was kinda my fault he left. my humor was really immature and i felt like i made him think that i didn't care about him enough. oh well. i hope he's doing better now though.
i cant wait to do it. ill finally be free. i dont even feel inside my body anymore. once i get the money, im set to do it. its going to be worth it. ill feel bad for anyone i hurt, but it just had to happen. once i die, i want my body to be cremated. at least id be skinny for once.
I dont think people mean it when they "compliment" me anymore. people have only told those to me just because they feel bad for me or they dont know wtf im trying to say. ive been hit with shit like "bro that's cool" over and over then i just realize that they simply don't care. i don't think anyone ik irl understands me. i cant wait to end this circle of shit.
my mom almost walked into me cutting, but i feel kinda relieved now tho.
my parents have gone like 3? days without fighting. i think thats a good thing but idk
i also found the scissors i cut with after losing them for a while. turns out my mom found it and put it in her drawer. i'll leave it there to avoid suspicion.
i'm also doing slightly better at school. it's boring as fuck but at least im turning in more assignments than last week.
i wish i dropped dead right fucking now.
i MUST to do it. people like never make it in the real world. i'd rather be dead (and i will be) than to be a fucking wage slave while having nothing to live for. i'll never get to settle down no matter how hard i try. "winning" simply just won't happen. i'm still thinking about how i'll do it. i'm going to travel to somewhere and live in a cheap-ass motel for a few days. i want to off myself in a painless way but idk how.
its midnight and i feel like shit. a guy i talked to on discord since july dropped me without telling ne shit. i honestly didn't expect him do to that now. if it was someone else i wouldn't feel as bad. there was just something in him that filled up something inside me. he surely wasn't like the other ones. he didn't treat me like shit; none of my friends treated me like shit but he was just the best out of the whole bunch. he had something no one i ever met had. he was confident and did a lot of jokes whenever we spoke. he just made me feel in place. but that doesn't matter now. there will always be a special place for him in my heart and i doubt ill forget about him, but who fuckin knows. we were just friends, but he was one of the most outstanding ones. hope he's doing well in college.
okay, i don't feel as bad now and I'll explain why i havent been around so much. my life is fucking boring and nothing that happened wasn't really worth writing an entry about.
ive known this for a while but ig itd be nice to tell someone about this. during the past few months ive been recollecting memories and shit from my childhood. i dont know what this means but i hope its just a strange way of flashing through my life. i just want my misery to end. it feels so scary getting old. i could be 25 in a few seconds. i do wanna grow up but I don't at the same time. ive forced myself to grow up since i was 8. i stopped watching cartoons at 11 and stopped doing coloring books and other shit like that around the same time. i actually regret forcing myself to grow up too fast but what is done cannot be undone. i must end all of this. ageing in this world isn't gonna be pretty.
i feel empty. i still miss him but that's just one of the many things i have to worry about. i ate four slices of pizza and i feel like a fucking whale. i need to purge again. yes i know it fucks up my insides but id rather be hot and live a short life than die old and ugly.
also, the keyboard on my computer broke. i didn't hit it after losing a game or anything (i'm not a white boy) but i think it was time. and by time i mean four years. well it was nice having it. lowkey glad it survived getting coke spilled on it among other things. rip 2017-2020.
it's midnight and they day just began. ive been feeling incredibly empty these past few days. ive spent the past 2 years doing nothing on the internet. every single day I've waited for my friends on discord to talk. I've wasted so much time doing this shit. i cant take it any longer.
i wish i had 10 million dollars. i know it sounds like a lot, but id be able to live off the rest of my life in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with bo disturbances. yes id be alone, but at least i wouldn't have to worry about everyone judging me. i cant survive int this world. i either have to die or disappear. id adopt some dogs or cats so i wouldn't be as lonely. now about kids. ive always wanted to be a father but im just not good enough. nobody needs a mentally ill schizoid as a father. i don't wanna ruin someones childhood. i got all my parents' worst traits and i wouldn't even want to think what i would do. i already get pissed off easily a lot, and on top of that my sensitivities allow the whole world to stomp on me. not to mention that the world is an awful place and living in it isnt worth it anymore. im not good enough and ill never be. not for anyone. not even for myself.
im sorry but 1967 ted kaczynski can have it anytime
i cant wait to kill myself. i cant take this shit anymore. im a fucking failure. i don't deserve to live. i don't have any aspirations for life. i dont know what im doing after highschool.
ill never make it in the real world. im too much of a pussy and everyone will take advantage of me and treat me like fucking shit. im tired of this. i cant take it any longer.
about an hour ago someone told me to add them on discord, which i regretfully did. he basically added me into a groupchat and everyone shit-talked me. it didnt last long but it made me feel like shit. i hate knowing that in real life i wont be able to just leave like that and that id actually have to deal with it. living fucking sucks.
im the lowest of the low. i cant take shit. i just wasnt made for this world. ill never survive in it. its too fucked up, and there's no way to deny that. pointless wars, genocides, and abuse have always happened and wont stop happening. i wish dying was like falling asleep and never waking up.
i really dont deserve to live
ive been feeling an extreme sense of melancholy the past few weeks. mostly because i just found out about how the world lies to you about fucking everything and whatnot. ive just felt disconnected from anything.
i honestly hate how much of a lazy ass cunt i am. i'm most likely going to fail 9th grade and i dont give 2 shits about that, but my parents would get angry as shit. i'm so tired of being in this same spot for eternity, and by spot i mean doing schoolwork and missing out on teenage experiences. i wish i could just drop out and leave this hellhole of a town but unfortunately that's not the case. but if it was real, it'd be bliss. i'd most likely drive around the country in a car with no real purpose, and i don't see anything bad with that. i just wanna be free for once. but i have to accept that it will never happen. i'd be forced to finish school and go to college, just to then go slavewage my life away.
also why the fuck is the 25th anniversary of columbine one month before i turn 18? i wanted to go there just to walk around the woods and city but ig that wont happen. i dont wanna continue school ngl. ive always felt anxious and inferior in it and i dont think it's ever gonna work out for me. i cant believe my teachers in 3rd grade said i was gifted bc i read at an 8th grade level and look how im ending up 💀💀💀. this world wasnt made for me and i wasnt made for this world. it's that simple.
the concept of aging makes me sick. i'm turning 15 in may and i hate it. 15 sounds too old for me. i wanna be young. thinking about this makes me wanna rip my insides out. everyone around me will be getting older too and i cant process that. i dont want this type of change. it'll just symbolize another year full of potential thrown away into the garbage can. im so glad i wont age much after that though. as soon as i turn 18 (pr a few months before perhaps) i will be able to get myself out of this reality and go somewhere i actually need to be. i just wasn't meant to exist here.
ngl, i still miss him (the dude i used to talk to during the summer). it kinda hurts but i just had to let him go for one last time. we were good friends but he was 7 years older than me, so i understand why he had to go. i just hope hes doing fine or something, but i hope we meet again sometime later (if i havent roped).
ive been trying a little bit harder for school lately. yes i still have missing assignments but at least my grades are getting slightly higher, and lets hope it stays that way.
i sure hope the world finally ends today
well today was mostly boring until recently. my grades came in and well im fucked. i got 30s-50s and nothing beyond that. my parents are planning to take away most of my shit so i'll most likely be left only with my school chromebook and my 3ds until i get anything over a 75 in my subjects. i could continue to update this site on my chromebook but i dont want my school to know what im planning to do for obvious reasons, and the browser in my 3ds is outdated, so don't expect to hear much from me from today.
i also did an angel number thing out of pure curiosity and i got 3/33/333. idk wtf it means but in general the number 3/33/333 has looked interesting to me, but who knows why.
also my parents are fighting again lolsies
its 4 am rn so i though it'd be nice to write down what happened after 6. basically my dad said that my mom, sister, and i are/might move back into my mom's honetown. i wanna quit school and live by myself but my dad gave me a whole ass lecture over how I'd regret not finishing school and how it'd be impossible for me to sustain a family. first of all, who the fuck said i want a family? the main reason I don't want one is to not be like you dad. you're everything i don't want to be. second of all, I'd just support myself. i don't need a family to live.
then my dad went to take a shower and my mom talked to me more about not being able to sustain a family. she told me that my grandma from my dad's side never learned to keep her legs closed and that my grandpa's pullout skills where shit, so as a result they had too much children and couldn't afford shit for them. most never finished school and married off early, but didn't have that much kids. i don't understand why i have to know this. i used to feel bad for my grandma when she died but now i don't give 2 shits about that dead slag considering how she was most likely a homophobic prick. honestly i'm pretty sure they still think i have a shot in life, but who the fuck is getting them out of that denial? lmao i hope they dont cry too much or whatever when i do it.
i don't know if i have to write this but i guess i have to before I forget it again. one time during a big math test in school i fell asleep after it ended and i had an extremely peculiar dream. i was basically still face down in my desk as everything around me turned black and a man in a suit appeared in front of me. i dont really remember the rest but i tried my best to not look at him. it just felt so real. i eventually woke up and went on with my day as if nothing had happened.
anyways im relating to a mass murderer and idk how to feel. basically about a year ago my smarty pants piece of shit self was going through wikipedia and shit and found out about the montreal école polytechnique massacre. at first i was like "well that sucks" then i proceeded to go into the perpetrator's site and holy shit. we both had no friends during school and were bullied at school and whatever, but no 2 things are the same. his dad was 2948282 times more deadbeat than mine and his sister was one hell of a bitch. but anyways, he killed 14 women before himself. ngl I don't really sympathize with women anymore but damn they didnt deserve that lmfao
i ate some pizza yesterday night and i feel fucking disgusting. i shhouldve purged that shit when i had the chance. if i wanna accomplish anything before i die, it would be to be 33kg. i know it may sound too low but its my fucking body and it only affects me. no one gets to tell me what to do with it. being 33kg is a dream to me. i'd finally feel happy about how i look. i know there's people who dont like being skinny or whatever but it's me who's gonna be skinny. i dont give 2 shits about the side effects. i dont plan to live long anyways.
i hate how being fat is being normalized for anyone. its not fucking healthy and it makes anyone look horrendous. i'm 160 pounds and its disgusting. i hate how people used to tell me shit like "ur alrdy skinny" at school and shit when they knew damn well i was a fat ass piece of shit faggot. i hope i learn to control my urges and lose weight without my mom finding out and forcing me to eat again. idk why she does that but she gets pissed off whenever i say im not hungry before dinner. she thinks the internet is making me "anorexic" when it's just me wanting to have actual fucking control over my body. im tired of being like this. being overweight in general is disgusting. if i dont reach my goal by the time i do it, can i please be cremated so i'd be light for at least once in eternity?
my dad just called me a faggot for having an ed :'(
i honestly wouldnt be surprised if i turn out to be a fucking aspie or something like that
i took a 3-4 hour nap and had some strange ass dreams. the one i remember the most was one in which i was in a bathroom (it looked like a psych ward bathroom) after running in it. it was in my house for some reason and it looked way cleaner than it usually does. eventually my teeth started falling out then i woke up.
i dont feel safe anymore. i feel like if someone or something is coming after me. i won't survive in the real world. even if i dont do it, i'll probably be working at some dead-end job living somewhere like this, or homeless. i'm still tihnking about how i'll orchestrate my plan in 2024. if i have a car by my 18th birthday, i'll run away in it in my 18th birthday. yes leaving everything behind will be sad and shit but at least everything wold finally come to an end. i must do it. i dont even want to think of all the shit that could happen by the end of the century. the future doesn't seem very pretty and everything just seems to be going downhill.
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