i'm no one but myself.

warning:the following entries explore subjects including self harm, suicide, and trauma.

4/20/21

7:28 am

happy 22nd anniversary of columbine! :)

4/15/21

10:08 am

i just came back from the bathroom and someone walked in on me checking myself out in the mirror yikes

i've also been trying as hard as i can to eat less calories. my limit is currently 700 calories per day, but i dont see any changes in my weight (yet). i generally drink a glass of milk as breafast, eat nothing at school, go home and purge whatever i had to eat, eat a snack after, and drink some milk and cookies at night.

the most calories ive eaten since i started tracking my calories was 1,053 calories on 4/6/21, and the least calories ive eaten was 448 calories on 4/14/21 (yesterday).

i also don't know why, but im kinda hyped for the 22nd anniversary of columbine. maybe someone might act up somewhere in the country and make this month less boring than it already is.

12:29 pm

i almost got my phone taken away but i still have it

4/11/21

8:32 pm

thinking about all the pipelines i couldve gone down in scares me tbh

4/9/21

2:14 pm

i honestly wish i wasnt such a lazy piece of shit. i have a bunch of missing math assignments due today and i havent even written my name on them.

also prince philip died today lol

4/8/21

7:24 am

i fucked up my left tigh with a pencil sharpener yesterday night and honestly the pain is way less irritating than people treating me like a 9 year old out of pity.

i also started tracking my calories this tuesday. i'm glad i made it this far into it and i still haven't gotten caught. whenever i come home, my mom has to go pick up my sister from school, which takes about 30 minutes. that gives me the perfect chance to purge without anyone getting me in trouble.

waking up has so far been one of the worst times of the day for me. that feeling when you don'y feel sleepy and hazy and start to remember all the shit you have to do fucks with me a LOT. and what gets the most on my nerves is how short weekends are. two days out of the week to take a break from a 5 day week doesn't really seem worh it imo. and to top it off, most people spent ~18-24 hours sleeping on the weekend, so you really only get about 1 day to do your shit.

4/7/21

12:05 am

sorry for not updating anything for a while. the past 8 days got me really busy (for a number of reasons). my sister got sick and she eventually passed me over, which resulted in 3 long days of coughing and sneezing (it wasn't corona don't worry). the only good thing i got from that was missing one day of school. talking about school, we had to do a very important english test yesterday on our chromebooks, but the program crashed statewide so we had to do it today. it was fairly easy, but knowing myself, i probably got half of the questions wrong (not to mention that i didn't even try to do the essay.

i finsihed the test about an hour and thirty minutes ago, and now the class is waiting for out teacher to tell us what to do. everyone is talking about some mundane shit while i'm over here trying to fill out this entry without nobody seeing it. i honestly wished people talked to me more, but knowing that they'd do it out of pure pity makes me wanna vomit

3/31/21

7:25 am

the remainder of yesterday was honestly too embarrassing for me to tell here, but i'll do it anyways. shortly after i went inside the bathroom, some 10th grader went in to take a shit and obviously i had to leave so i wouldn't be seen as a fucking creep. when i went outside, i mostly stood next to the fence that separated school property with the woods. i was about 40-60 feet away from people. the wind was fucking up my hair and it was scorching hot. that didn't really bother me, but what broke the camel's back for me was when they all went to this one place (to get picked up, since school aready ended) and i just stood there like a fucking fool for 5-7? minutes until i checked the time and realized it was time to go.

7:42 am

i also finished reading the virgin suicides yesterday. it took me way less time than what i originally expected, but at least it was fun to read. the whole book itself was pretty bleak, but it gave me something to indulge in. reading a book in the remainder of class instead of doing nothing and just looking like a freak gave me some security.

the only person who talks to me in school at all just feels bad for me and that honestly makes me feel like absolute shit. i haven't had a genuine school friendship since 5th grade (he moved away) and even then i feel like he used me just to get his hands on my controllers. now back to the present. the guy who talks to me now is some annoying cunt who doesn't keep his mouth shut and is just one big liability to his friend group, but they keep him around for some reason. he's talked to me since 8th grade out of nothing else than fucking pity, and i doubt that's ever going to change. we've never had any real conversation, and i don't think we'll ever have one.

3/30/21

3:02 pm

all of the teachers in my grade are having a meeting so they jist clumped everyone in my grade into the gym and its a fucking mess.

im sitting next to some perm-haired freaks and god they're such a pain in the ass

3:21 pm

everyone just went somewhere and im lost. omg i feel like elisa lam rn

3:28 pm

turns out they all went outside. i did end up going outside as well but its too fucking hot so i just said i was gonna go take a shit and went inside

3/29/21

8:55 am

my P.E. teacher took everyones weight and height today, and overall im pretty disappointed in myself. im still pretty short (5'9) but i fucking gained weight. it may have only been two pounds, but the fact that i still managed to gain weight fucking disgusts me.

3/23/21

1:16 pn

today so far has been boring. i woke up, went to school, and felt anxious.

some dude went in to give a speech yesterday during 9th period and it was okay. he just spoke about how drugs were bad and how they ruined his life yada yada yada and shit people tell kids since theyre 6. but hey, at least everyone got to skip a period.

3/22/21

8:25 am

the fact that i have to be here (school) for 8 hours for 5 days every week is fucking exhausting

12:34 am

i feel so repulsed my myself right now

3/18/21

6:53 pm

my sistee found my book and now it's a matter lf time before that little bitch snitches on me

3/14/21

10:26 pm

i still think about an "aesthetic" or feeling i felt when first moved here/(dec 2013) it was empty, white bedrooms, regular show, 15-25 year olds, and early 2010s fashion before it died out. it just makes me feel so at home, but it makes me feel like im somewhere else at the same time. maybe it was because i felt free and didn't really have anything to care about. i want to feel it again just like the first time, but i doubt its happening anytime soon.

there's just something about that era, yes the world was still going downhill and the camel's back was breaking, but seeing people not care about anything in their lives and have as much fun as they can before becoming wageslaves and not fitting in with younger people anymore just gives me an idea of what i thought what lifr would be like when i was older, but many things have changed and its simply never going to be the same again.

3/13/21

8:11 pm

i just finished refurbishing some parts of my site, and i feel kinda good about it. today has been normal? (i guess).

i ordered the virgin suicides (a book) on amazon a few days ago and it finally came in. i had to sneak it inside my house and as of now it's hidden under my mattress. i plan to read it in school when im bored as shit when i go back. i watched the movie over a year ago, but i suppose that the book covers more information not included in the movie.

i also had (online) tutorials again from 10 to 12. no one really paid attention to the teacher and basically me and some girl were the main ones reading the story, while everyone else either didn't do anything or just didn't show up at all. i honestly feel bad for my teacher, but at least she didn't get mad or anythhing. just a little bit dowm

8:39 pm

seeing someone you knew bring down people to the lowest level of depravity down with them is one of the most indescribable pains i've ever felt

3/12/21

12:32

i genuinely don't want to experience the future. nothing good is happening and everything's going down to hell. the world is burning up (quite literally), and there's more wars to come, among other unfortunate events.

1:32 pm

an ant(s?) was jn ny hand out of fucking nowhere and i threw it. i fucking hate ants(red ones,mostly).

3:05 pm

im currently at a kickball game my school organized. i bought a ticket for it a few days ago. its just teachers getting fucked ober by some seniors. nothing important to see, but seeing everyone around me socialize and do way better than me overall makes me freak out. i did a few slits on the skin under my thumb(not my palm) in the bathroom and went back outside. things are getting boring and people are slowly coming back inside, one by one.

3:27 pm

everyone went back inside and there's no order honestly. there's people here and there, and who knows what the fuck else. i walked around the top floor for about 10 minutes before settling down in the cafeteria.

3/10/21

9:47 am

the last days have been unmotivating and painfully boring. i need to leave. there's no happiness in my teenage years as they're going down the drain, and nothing (besides getting the money to leave) seems worth it.

there's nothing to live for in this world anymore. it's just people eating each other alive to prove who's better and shit. honestly, i feel like the world is out to get me. everyone around me seems suspicious and idk why. i guess im too paranoid or something.

10:07 am

i also decided to stop cutting. not because i want to, but because it's getting warmer and that means i have to wear shorts instead of sweatpants at home, which results in chances of me getting caught extremely high. my scars aren't really that bad imo, its just normal horizontal slits and a few x's and a heart in my thighs.

3/5/21

10;06

god how i hate these faggots

3/3/21

11:14 am

i just finished an essay I had to do and im otherwise pretty unamused.

i cut in the bathroom an hour ago with a pencil sharpener I found yesterday and it's honestly the best blade ive ever had. i dont even have to try for blood to come out anymore, but now i have to deal with blood bleeding through my jeans.

3:45 pm

holy shit i haven't been outside for so long that my eyes hurt like a bitch whenever i ser sunlight

3/1/21

7:25 am

i have a huge biology test today and i just know my ass is gonna hurt a lot by the tume school ends

I also found the scissors i used to cut with and the screwdriver i used to take it apart and took them to school (in my pencil case ofc). i might cut in the bathroom later but who knows.

2/26/21

1;25 pm

something that REALLY bugs me is how I'll be 18 in MAY 2024, and i want to carry out my plan in april. i dont fucking know how ill be able to get out of here knowing my state's strict ass laws regarding runaways and how my parents would be pissed as fuck. i think i might try to convince my parents but considering that'd be about 1> month away from my highschool graduation, they'd most likely say no. ugh. once i get the money i need ill try sneaking in one of those big buses and try to go to denver; id have to keep an eye out for cops and shit though. honestly, why the fuck couldn't i be born at least 2 months earlier? i feel like the world wants to fuck me over on purpose sometimes.

2:51 pm

i dont feel real anymore

2/25/21

1:25 pm

the past 2 weeks have been both uneventful and somewhat eventful but it was long anyways. it "snowed" here for the first time in 4 years and it was honestly underwhelming. my house has no heating and it was fucking freezing, not to mention all the times the lights went out and shit.

2/11/21

12:16 am

so far this day has been boring as usual. i went to the principals office to get my chromebook checked and shit and i got a temporary one for now. i also just finished doing my biology test. it was quite easy but i honestly would've flunked it if i didnt study a few hours ago.

1:34 pm

it's lunch once again, im terrified as usual, but slowly getting used to it.

2/10/21

1:20 pm

its lunch again, but nobody could go outside because its raining. i don't really mind rain but i hate how everyone is crammed in here and everyone can see each other. it completely removes that sense of privacy i had whenever it was outside. i hate how everyone treats me like im not able to understand basic human interactions. im so glad this will end one day, but im not sure when.

i also forgot to do my fucking geometry homework. if a dude who said hed pass me the answers earlier doesn't do shit, ill guess on it. i know it sucks, but this is what i get for being a lazy cunt whore.

out of all the 10 periods i have in school, lunch is the most degrading one. seeing how everyone socializes and shit while i complain about it is ass. ugh. i hate how people look at me. i can't stand it. its like having dozens of eyes reminding me how inferior i am.

2/9/21

10:20 am

so far my day has been complete shit. my fucking chromebook screen broke and now my school's forcing me to pay 100$ for it. i didn't even break it on purpose. i was charging it in gym then ig someone's backpack leaned over on top of it and cracked the screen. honestly this fucking sucks. my parents are gonna kill me and tell me shit ove heard from them millions of times again.

1:45 pm

its lunch again and it's fucking boring as usual. hopefully geometry isnt as boring, but we all know the answer lmfao

2/8?/21

1:22 pm

its lunch again and as usual nothing important fucking happens. nothing happening isn't necessarily bad but it isnt necessarily good either. im not getting stomped on (figuratively ofc) but im alone as shit and just trying to live. ive been trying to write down my classrooms numbers because ive getting lost a lot lately. i missed my 7tj class's number but that class is the easiest one to find anyways.

also holy fucking shit the dude who made fun of me in 7th grade came over and is currently sitting next to me. im currently scared ass shit but i hope it doesnt last long.

i really hoped he'd change when he "apologized" but shit, he stayed the fucking same. idk why he's like that, but being a piece of shit won't make him stop being as tall as a doorstop.

im still thinking over the funky town video. basically a dude got his hands cut off, got his face and upper chest skinned, and was getting his throat slit cut with a box cutter while funky town played in the background. ot was scary as shit at first, but i kept watching out of curiosity. i just hope he's in a better place now or something.

1:34 pm

he finally fucking left and phew i feel relieved as shit now

2/5/21

2:00 pm

i honestly cant wait for school to fucking end

3:49 pm

im currently waiting to get picked up outside of schools and its cold & humid as shit. i hope im home asap.

2/4/21

1:21 pm

it's lunch rn and it's windy as shit outside. the sound is kinda annoying but otherwise its just relaxing.

i honestly need anxiety medications. i i can't handle being at school with the constant worry of getting fucked over. not to mention that my intestines act up and act as a fucking laxative.

i wish i could go home this very moment.i cant stand being in here. i dont belong here. if i had the courage to skip school or anything i wanted maybe my life wouldn't be ad shitty.

having no one to talk to sucks ass. waiting through hours and hours of hopeless anxiety is one of the worst things ive endured. if i was old enough to drop out of school i would gladly do so.

i hope everything goes fine when i finally carry out my plan in 2024. my goal is to reach 2k-5k dollars in order to afford leaving. i just fucking hope that my parents dont call the cops and declare me as missing or something. i mean id be 18. id finally be free, but my parents would try to convince me to go to college if not force me to go. anyways as i was saying, im gonna get a part-time job somewhere or sell my thins online to make the money. ill tell my parents its for a car loan or something. i just want my misery to end.

2/3/21

1:25 pm

its my first real day of school and i feel like shit. all i did was sit for hours and try not to get anxiety attacks as everyone walked around me in the hallways. it's currently lunchtime rn and im outside. im stranding by a tree whule tryiny not to think of everyone else's opinions. i just want tongo home, but i had this coming. even if I didn't fail my classes, id still have to go back to real school sooner or later.

1:46 pm

its been 20 minutes of this shit and im honestly terrified

2/1/21

4:40 pm

the last few weeks have been exhausting, both physically and mentally to me. my dumbass is still failing school and my sleep schedules destroyed. this is just the main thing thats been happening though.

ive been having some otherwise strange dreams lately as well. the most vivid one i remember happened roughly 3-4 days ago. it was 6 pm and i passed out on the couch. it was normal and all until i saw nothing besides a huddled woman. she didn't move at all and made these extremely loud chants. it felt so real i couldn't sleep any better for the next feew days. i then had sleep paralysis 2 times, then "woke up" just to realize i was still asleep. i eventually got up though, and pretended nothing happened.

in other words, my main discord account got banned after 2 and a half years of use. i'll try to appeal later today but ill be on my new account for now, which is in my about-me page.

1/19/21

9:00 pm

sorry for not being active for so long. the past week has been excruciating for me. my sleep schedule's fucked and im doing awful at school.

i honestly wish i wasnt so fucking sensitive, or that i had a social life at least. the only close friend i had before joining neocities was a 12 yr old who was problematic on discord for fun with me. i was in a gc w some other people but i never get close w them at all. i feel like they secretly disliked me or something similar. i'm honestly tired of this shit.

i honestly wish i wasnt born or died early at least. i hate everything about myself. my speech is so fucking slurred that i have to repeat everything i say 3 fucking times for someone to understand (tysm dad) and large eyes (thx mom); this isnt even a full list and i already feel frustrated w these features. i'm honestly glad i'll never have kids. i already get pissed of easily and there's a high chance i have a couple of undiagnosed mentail illnesses, so having kids would be fucking unethical at that point. if only my grandma didnt pressure my mom into having kids maybe i wouldnt be dealing with all this shit.

ive also started to go on 4chan more; i go on it once every few days and lurk, but that's an defintely increase from before nonetheless

1/11/21

8:10 pm

i dont feel safe anymore. i feel like if someone or something is coming after me. i won't survive in the real world. even if i dont do it, i'll probably be working at some dead-end job living somewhere like this, or homeless. i'm still tihnking about how i'll orchestrate my plan in 2024. if i have a car by my 18th birthday, i'll run away in it in my 18th birthday. yes leaving everything behind will be sad and shit but at least everything wold finally come to an end. i must do it. i dont even want to think of all the shit that could happen by the end of the century. the future doesn't seem very pretty and everything just seems to be going downhill.

1/6/21

12:00 pm

i honestly wouldnt be surprised if i turn out to be a fucking aspie or something like that

5:20 pm

i took a 3-4 hour nap and had some strange ass dreams. the one i remember the most was one in which i was in a bathroom (it looked like a psych ward bathroom) after running in it. it was in my house for some reason and it looked way cleaner than it usually does. eventually my teeth started falling out then i woke up.

12/31/20

3:50 pm

my dad just called me a faggot for having an ed

12/28/20

9:00 pm

i ate some pizza yesterday night and i feel fucking disgusting. i shhouldve purged that shit when i had the chance. if i wanna accomplish anything before i die, it would be to be 33kg. i know it may sound too low but its my fucking body and it only affects me. no one gets to tell me what to do with it. being 33kg is a dream to me. i'd finally feel happy about how i look. i know there's people who dont like being skinny or whatever but it's me who's gonna be skinny. i dont give 2 shits about the side effects. i dont plan to live long anyways.

i hate how being fat is being normalized for anyone. its not fucking healthy and it makes anyone look horrendous. i'm 160 pounds and its disgusting. i hate how people used to tell me shit like "ur alrdy skinny" at school and shit when they knew damn well i was a fat ass piece of shit faggot. i hope i learn to control my urges and lose weight without my mom finding out and forcing me to eat again. idk why she does that but she gets pissed off whenever i say im not hungry before dinner. she thinks the internet is making me "anorexic" when it's just me wanting to have actual fucking control over my body. im tired of being like this. being overweight in general is disgusting. if i dont reach my goal by the time i do it, can i please be cremated so i'd be light for at least once in eternity?

12/27/20

4:20 am

i don't know if i have to write this but i guess i have to before I forget it again. one time during a big math test in school i fell asleep after it ended and i had an extremely peculiar dream. i was basically still face down in my desk as everything around me turned black and a man in a suit appeared in front of me. i dont really remember the rest but i tried my best to not look at him. it just felt so real. i eventually woke up and went on with my day as if nothing had happened.

anyways im relating to a mass murderer and idk how to feel. basically about a year ago my smarty pants piece of shit self was going through wikipedia and shit and found out about the montreal Γ©cole polytechnique massacre. at first i was like "well that sucks" then i proceeded to go into the perpetrator's site and holy shit. we both had no friends during school and were bullied at school and whatever, but no 2 things are the same. his dad was 2948282 times more deadbeat than mine and his sister was one hell of a bitch. but anyways, he killed 14 women before himself. ngl I don't really sympathize with women anymore but damn they didnt deserve that lmfao

12/23/20

6:20 pm

well today was mostly boring until recently. my grades came in and well im fucked. i got 30s-50s and nothing beyond that. my parents are planning to take away most of my shit so i'll most likely be left only with my school chromebook and my 3ds until i get anything over a 75 in my subjects. i could continue to update this site on my chromebook but i dont want my school to know what im planning to do for obvious reasons, and the browser in my 3ds is outdated, so don't expect to hear much from me from today.

i also did an angel number thing out of pure curiosity and i got 3/33/333. idk wtf it means but in general the number 3/33/333 has looked interesting to me, but who knows why.

also my parents are fighting again lolsies

4:05 am

its 4 am rn so i though it'd be nice to write down what happened after 6. basically my dad said that my mom, sister, and i are/might move back into my mom's honetown. i wanna quit school and live by myself but my dad gave me a whole ass lecture over how I'd regret not finishing school and how it'd be impossible for me to sustain a family. first of all, who the fuck said i want a family? the main reason I don't want one is to not be like you dad. you're everything i don't want to be. second of all, I'd just support myself. i don't need a family to live.

then my dad went to take a shower and my mom talked to me more about not being able to sustain a family. she told me that my grandma from my dad's side never learned to keep her legs closed and that my grandpa's pullout skills where shit, so as a result they had too much children and couldn't afford shit for them. most never finished school and married off early, but didn't have that much kids. i don't understand why i have to know this. i used to feel bad for my grandma when she died but now i don't give 2 shits about that dead slag considering how she was most likely a homophobic prick. honestly i'm pretty sure they still think i have a shot in life, but who the fuck is getting them out of that denial? lmao i hope they dont cry too much or whatever when i do it.

12/21/20

5:00 pm

i sure hope the world finally ends today

12/19/20

6:10 pm

ngl, i still miss him (the dude i used to talk to during the summer). it kinda hurts but i just had to let him go for one last time. we were good friends but he was 7 years older than me, so i understand why he had to go. i just hope hes doing fine or something, but i hope we meet again sometime later (if i havent roped).

ive been trying a little bit harder for school lately. yes i still have missing assignments but at least my grades are getting slightly higher, and lets hope it stays that way.

12/17/20

4:00 pm

ive been feeling an extreme sense of melancholy the past few weeks. mostly because i just found out about how the world lies to you about fucking everything and whatnot. ive just felt disconnected from anything.

i honestly hate how much of a lazy ass cunt i am. i'm most likely going to fail 9th grade and i dont give 2 shits about that, but my parents would get angry as shit. i'm so tired of being in this same spot for eternity, and by spot i mean doing schoolwork and missing out on teenage experiences. i wish i could just drop out and leave this hellhole of a town but unfortunately that's not the case. but if it was real, it'd be bliss. i'd most likely drive around the country in a car with no real purpose, and i don't see anything bad with that. i just wanna be free for once. but i have to accept that it will never happen. i'd be forced to finish school and go to college, just to then go slavewage my life away.

also why the fuck is the 25th anniversary of columbine one month before i turn 18? i wanted to go there just to walk around the woods and city but ig that wont happen. i dont wanna continue school ngl. ive always felt anxious and inferior in it and i dont think it's ever gonna work out for me. i cant believe my teachers in 3rd grade said i was gifted bc i read at an 8th grade level and look how im ending up πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€. this world wasnt made for me and i wasnt made for this world. it's that simple.

9:00 pm

the concept of aging makes me sick. i'm turning 15 in may and i hate it. 15 sounds too old for me. i wanna be young. thinking about this makes me wanna rip my insides out. everyone around me will be getting older too and i cant process that. i dont want this type of change. it'll just symbolize another year full of potential thrown away into the garbage can. im so glad i wont age much after that though. as soon as i turn 18 (pr a few months before perhaps) i will be able to get myself out of this reality and go somewhere i actually need to be. i just wasn't meant to exist here.

12/16/20

9:10 pm

i really dont deserve to live

12/10/20

8:00 pm

ill never make it in the real world. im too much of a pussy and everyone will take advantage of me and treat me like fucking shit. im tired of this. i cant take it any longer.

about an hour ago someone told me to add them on discord, which i regretfully did. he basically added me into a groupchat and everyone shit-talked me. it didnt last long but it made me feel like shit. i hate knowing that in real life i wont be able to just leave like that and that id actually have to deal with it. living fucking sucks.

im the lowest of the low. i cant take shit. i just wasnt made for this world. ill never survive in it. its too fucked up, and there's no way to deny that. pointless wars, genocides, and abuse have always happened and wont stop happening. i wish dying was like falling asleep and never waking up.

12/2/20

6:20 pm

i cant wait to kill myself. i cant take this shit anymore. im a fucking failure. i don't deserve to live. i don't have any aspirations for life. i dont know what im doing after highschool.

11/30/20

9:00 pm

im sorry but 1967 ted kaczynski can have it anytime

11/29/20

it's midnight and they day just began. ive been feeling incredibly empty these past few days. ive spent the past 2 years doing nothing on the internet. every single day I've waited for my friends on discord to talk. I've wasted so much time doing this shit. i cant take it any longer.

i wish i had 10 million dollars. i know it sounds like a lot, but id be able to live off the rest of my life in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with bo disturbances. yes id be alone, but at least i wouldn't have to worry about everyone judging me. i cant survive int this world. i either have to die or disappear. id adopt some dogs or cats so i wouldn't be as lonely. now about kids. ive always wanted to be a father but im just not good enough. nobody needs a mentally ill schizoid as a father. i don't wanna ruin someones childhood. i got all my parents' worst traits and i wouldn't even want to think what i would do. i already get pissed off easily a lot, and on top of that my sensitivities allow the whole world to stomp on me. not to mention that the world is an awful place and living in it isnt worth it anymore. im not good enough and ill never be. not for anyone. not even for myself.

11/21/20

its midnight and i feel like shit. a guy i talked to on discord since july dropped me without telling ne shit. i honestly didn't expect him do to that now. if it was someone else i wouldn't feel as bad. there was just something in him that filled up something inside me. he surely wasn't like the other ones. he didn't treat me like shit; none of my friends treated me like shit but he was just the best out of the whole bunch. he had something no one i ever met had. he was confident and did a lot of jokes whenever we spoke. he just made me feel in place. but that doesn't matter now. there will always be a special place for him in my heart and i doubt ill forget about him, but who fuckin knows. we were just friends, but he was one of the most outstanding ones. hope he's doing well in college.

okay, i don't feel as bad now and I'll explain why i havent been around so much. my life is fucking boring and nothing that happened wasn't really worth writing an entry about.

4:00 AM

ive known this for a while but ig itd be nice to tell someone about this. during the past few months ive been recollecting memories and shit from my childhood. i dont know what this means but i hope its just a strange way of flashing through my life. i just want my misery to end. it feels so scary getting old. i could be 25 in a few seconds. i do wanna grow up but I don't at the same time. ive forced myself to grow up since i was 8. i stopped watching cartoons at 11 and stopped doing coloring books and other shit like that around the same time. i actually regret forcing myself to grow up too fast but what is done cannot be undone. i must end all of this. ageing in this world isn't gonna be pretty.

11:40 pm

i feel empty. i still miss him but that's just one of the many things i have to worry about. i ate four slices of pizza and i feel like a fucking whale. i need to purge again. yes i know it fucks up my insides but id rather be hot and live a short life than die old and ugly.

also, the keyboard on my computer broke. i didn't hit it after losing a game or anything (i'm not a white boy) but i think it was time. and by time i mean four years. well it was nice having it. lowkey glad it survived getting coke spilled on it among other things. rip 2017-2020.

11/11/20

my parents have gone like 3? days without fighting. i think thats a good thing but idk

i also found the scissors i cut with after losing them for a while. turns out my mom found it and put it in her drawer. i'll leave it there to avoid suspicion.

i'm also doing slightly better at school. it's boring as fuck but at least im turning in more assignments than last week.

i wish i dropped dead right fucking now.

i MUST to do it. people like never make it in the real world. i'd rather be dead (and i will be) than to be a fucking wage slave while having nothing to live for. i'll never get to settle down no matter how hard i try. "winning" simply just won't happen. i'm still thinking about how i'll do it. i'm going to travel to somewhere and live in a cheap-ass motel for a few days. i want to off myself in a painless way but idk how.

11/10/20

my mom almost walked into me cutting, but i feel kinda relieved now tho.

11/9/20

i cant wait to do it. ill finally be free. i dont even feel inside my body anymore. once i get the money, im set to do it. its going to be worth it. ill feel bad for anyone i hurt, but it just had to happen. once i die, i want my body to be cremated. at least id be skinny for once.

I dont think people mean it when they "compliment" me anymore. people have only told those to me just because they feel bad for me or they dont know wtf im trying to say. ive been hit with shit like "bro that's cool" over and over then i just realize that they simply don't care. i don't think anyone ik irl understands me. i cant wait to end this circle of shit.

11/5/20

this world is too fucked up for me. no matter when or where, there's always something that will make you feel like youve fallen into a pit of spikes. why do people kill each other? why do people go down the lowest level of human depravity? this is something i will never understand.

i might do it sooner. i know it might ruin the whole 2024 plan but i feel as if i were decaying, both physically and mentally.

6:00 pm

i woke up from a 3 hour nap at 5. i didn't even realize i'd fallen asleep. i literally dreamed the whole weekend and it was sunday morning to me when i woke up. i felt worry-less and calmed, even though i remembered EVERYTHING shortly after.

another thing that popped up lately is my (ex) friend alex. it's been months and i've kinda recognized that it was kinda my fault he left. my humor was really immature and i felt like i made him think that i didn't care about him enough. oh well. i hope he's doing better now though.

11/5/20

i've never felt so dissapointed in life before. i'm nothing but a lazy, skank, bitch whore. and i guess i don't have anyone to blame but myself. i have an art assignment due today and i haven't done shit. i wish i didn't exist. i wasn't made to exist, let alone live in this shitty world.

i'm planning to save up money once i get a job to do the "2024 plan". i'm basically going to travel somewhere without my parents knowing shortly after i turn 18, then i can just kill myself or at least get off the radar. i've heard spirit airlines are about as cheap as my dad, but the overall quality's shit. i still haven't decided where i want to go, but i want it to be somewhere peaceful, like a field in the middle of nowhere. i just imagine myself bleeding do death by plants and nature itself.

if i go through whith my plan, i don't want anyone to find me. the last thing i want is to be put on those ghetto ass clouds. yuck. i'd rather give my family the false hope that i'm still alive and that it;s not over yet. i don't want them to hurt, but i deserve this.

i could d this sooner, (16 or 17) but i don't want a massive manhunt to find me. if i want anything, i just want to be at peace for once and forever.

11/4/20

it's 7 pm and my parents are fighting again. it's tiring at this point. if i had legal responsability of myself i would've left MONTHS ago, but unfortunately thats not the case. i wanna get at least 1 last thing from my dad's guilt money before my parents (might) divorce/separate. i just want something to play animal crossing:new leaf on so i wanna get a 2ds xl, which are like 100$ now.

another thing i've been thinkking about lately is my future. i don't have any aspirations in life and i dont feel like school's doing it for me anymore. i'm planning to move,get a dead-end job, and make sure my family doesn't know anything about what happened to me, then i can just kms peacefully. i'd feel bad for my online friends though, but most of my online relationships don't last any more than 2 years.

OR i could just pull a sol pais and travel to a place ive longed to visit and just do it. it sounds dumb but do other people's reactions matter when ur nothing but a piece of dying flesh and bones on the floor?

11/3/20

today's been okay so far. a friend and i had a convo over how a war might happen within 20 years and shit. i also have at least 7 missed assignments for school. i hate my lazy ass. also if you haven't noticed, i re-arranged my diary so neocities stop being a bitch. i also saw a 20 minute doc on the murder of elizabeth olton. yes i feel bad for her, but why would alyssa DOCUMENT it on her diary, besides the wall scribbles. i guess being crazy makes you dumber to some extent.

i'm still thinking about the whole sol pais thing to this day. her html skills were goals. i wonder how no one around her (family and most people she knew) didn't know about the thing she was planning to do. i'm glad she didn't hurt anyone, but i'm mostly glad no one stopped her and how she died the way she wanted to die.

11/2/20

looking back on yesterday's entry made me realize that i'm a little too rough on my parents, but that doesnt make them any better. my dad took away my phone so i dont stay up all night, so i added a few songs onto my ds's sd card.

11/1/20

i know no one asked but here's some traumacore art i did a few days ago.

10/31/20

my head feels like it's about to explode

10/29/20

it was surprisingly more calm than i thought it'd be. i was anxious at first, but im lucky i got in a class with people im not scared of. i was there from 12 pm to 3:45 pm, i didn't use the internet afterwards because i felt exhausted.

10/28/20

i have to do an hours-long test at school in 30 minutes. i'm insanely terrified because of the people i might see and how everyone will look down on me again.

10/27/20

i don't know why but goign through my classmates' profiles on social media or teams (the thing we're doing online school in) i feel this huge flow of anxiety and fear go through my body. maybe it's because my akward piece of shit self made a fool of myself in the past few years and now no one really sees me as equal. whenever i do fucking ANYTHING (like giving a presentation) they clap at me and congratulate me as if i were an autistic kid who finally peed without spreading that shit everywhere. it makes me feel inferior and humiliated. this is definitely one of the main reasons why i want to drop out of school and start my own life. i don't care about my teenage years and my "prime". i already know i will never be able to enjoy those years because of the shit that happens to me.

[removed]

i also took the dante's hell thing.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repending Believers)Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8 - The Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

i personally do believe in hell and christianity (sorry if this brought up trauma or something idk), despite being pretty agnostic. i hope im forgiven for whatever i did once i do it in a few years or so.

10/26/20

its 10:36 pm and im fucking crying my parents are fucking fighting again and i cant stand this.my dad keeps calling my mom a fucking whore even though she didnt do SHIT.

this hellhole began a few months ago. one day my dad came back from work all pissed and claimed that my mom had an affair with a coworker. i thought it'd stop but it just got worse and worse. one time my dad grabbed her so hard she got bruises in her arms. the next day she was rightfully disappointed at me for not defending her. im not gonna lie, i DID want to defend her but im too much of a pussy.

eventually the fighting "calmed" down then eventually today happened. my mom says she wants to go back to her hometown when the school year ends, but my dad keeps threatening her by saying how hes gonna tell all her family members about how much of a whore she "is". she has literally been loyal to him since they married in 2002. I don't understand what made my dad think if this bullshit. my mom gave up her job and a handful of close friends to become a housewife. she never left the house without my dad or with me and my sister. if my parents DO get divorced, i don't wanna be with either of them. i personally wish to be emancipated so i can get a full-time job and support myself.